Clock Stopper Mania

I had a bad case of hyper-acidity yesterday and had to stay home and not go to work. The clock stopper dropped by and brought me food.

Before he arrived and amidst the pain I felt, I had the urge to hug him tight and kiss him hard when he arrives. I didn't get to do that though. I was trying to keep my cool and control what I was doing. I was able to stop myself from embarrassment but there is a wrestling match in me between embracing the chaos and controlling everything.

He still has not failed making me feel a lot of things. I feel like a high school girl with a first crush. I stutter when I speak, I savor every moment he holds my hand, I drink his smell, I can't stop smiling when I'm with him. These are the stupid unusual behaviors that I hate to do but can't stop doing.

I seriously have to compartmentalize moments in my life and I would have to file these moments to the dream file, not to my reality file of work, coffee and stress. I really have to make sure he doesn't get into my system and mix everything up. It's so much easier to end this if it's tucked away in an archive of wonderful-moments-but-do-not-really-mean-anything.

This is me rationalizing. The moment with him is not real. He is not real. I will allow myself this wonderful dream and someday soon, I will have to disappear. My mind knows that I am going to get seriously hurt if I don't stop seeing him. However, my heart, somehow, just dives into it. I cannot stop. But I will. When the time comes.

I love my life as it is, but he is like a drug I cannot refuse. I love my job and I love the challenges that go with it. I can feel my old life starting to crumble and shake while he is getting in it. I feel afraid, but I feel so much alive when he is in my life. He is chaos.