Every Time You Say "I Love You"

When I remember you say "I love you", I smile.
I smile because I could not only hear the words
But I can also see the love in your eyes.
They speak to me. It's intense.

You thought I would not hear your murmur.
You thought I would not listen to your whisper.
You thought I could not feel those kisses.
You thought I could not sense your stares.

I get blind. I get deaf.
With the look of love that you give me
With the sweetness of those words
Oh, help me but I love going blind and deaf

From your voice, your touch, and the passion in your eyes
I would happily drown and get lost in your arms
This is dangerous, I know.
But my heart sings and soars as my reply.

Babaeng Torpe

It has been so easy for me to talk about ideas or processes. I have proven that several times when I talk to clients or explain a topic to my trainees. Client can even hear the passion that I have for my job through my voice. I speak in front of people with passion.

(Now this is not bragging because what I will say next is definitely embarrassing.)

However, to people who matter, I do have a hard time expressing myself orally. I can write letters, yes, but I can't find my tongue when I have to respond to an "I love you."

I just noticed this impediment and I'm not proud of it. When the clock stopper told me that he loves me, I just raised my eyebrows and with a dumb expression I said, "Ha?" Whenever he tells me that this is the first time he has been very happy in a long time, my mind tries to catch words floating in the air with a net with huge holes. I can't talk. When he told me that he loves me for the second time, he had to say, "No response at all?" before I replied in a very small voice, "I love you too."

I do love him. I am crazy in love with him. My heart flutters when I hear his words. When I asked him, "What would you do if magsawa ka na sa akin?" He said, "I can't give you an answer. It's like, people not preparing for flying elephants' shit. How can I prepare for something that is impossible?" When he asked me a similar thing but more like a request, "Please tell me if magsasawa ka na sa akin, okay?" I just nodded and after a few seconds I said, "I doubt if that will happen."

I don't know how to tell him when he's in front of me. It comes so easy if I can write it down. I don't even have to edit it but it's just easy for my brain to work if it's written down. If I say it, I just open my mouth without any word coming out at all.

Yes, ako ay isang babaeng torpe.

3 Separate Thoughts

1. The clock stopper murmured, "I love you". Then he asked, "Did you hear that?" My answer? "Huh?"

I wasn't able to react! I didn't even hear him clearly and wasn't sure if I heard him right. Did I lose the "moment"? Is there such thing as a "perfect moment" when two people express their feelings at a moment when there seems to be music in the background and butterflies flying around, just like in the movies?

Oh well, I could not even say a word to respond. I am the female counterpart for guys' "torpe".

2. I miss my blog. My Internet has been disconnected and I don't really have the chance now to have it reconnected. I miss whining and bitching out.

3. I am quitting my job today. Finally! Wish me luck, y'all! I will rest and restore my health. Then, I'll embark on a fresh journey, perhaps in a different company or with a small business I've been thinking about.

My IQ Dropped 10 Points

I would like to believe I'm smart. Let's just say that I am for the benefit of this entry. *wink*

People say that when smart people fall in love, they become stupid, or at least their IQ drops. I don't think this is actually true. What happens is the person in love feels something he or she cannot logically explain. When this happens, it stirs up the rational mind. The person does something he or she isn't inclined to do on a normal basis. Oh, this act has been thought of several times. Too much thinking actually that leads to arriving on a logical explanation to do it. The logical explanation isn't the reason for the act, but is being used as a band aid to the rational mind, so it would stop thinking about why the person is doing this unnatural act.

This has to be done, you know. Or the urge to do something or express something would not stop. Believe me, it's annoying to try to dismiss something that you feel. I've tried it before and it was damn hard to suppress it. It's like having a heart attack while trying to smile and act normal.

Apparently, I was really good at masking how I felt. Poker face, they say. Nevertheless, I felt like Fedor and Henderson were fighting inside me. Slowly, the urge to tell him how I felt got out and finally won. When this irrational side wins, the rational mind can only provide support and apply logic into the action or actions that may have been done or may still be done.

Just like what I'm doing now. Trying so hard to rationalize what's happening to me.

The Perfect Drug

I told clock stopper that he is an addictive drug. Then he said that he doesn't want to be narcotic and that I should look up The Perfect Drug by Nine Inch Nails.

He is definitely my perfect drug. I told him that and he doesn't want it because of the last 2 lines of the song.

"Without you, everything just falls apart
It's not much fun to pick up the pieces."

I assured him that I will be fine and that I am a big girl. He said that drugs are fake and he is not.

He may not be fake. But he is still not real for me. He can't be real in my world. He is a dream that I know will never come true. I know this reality but I can't help but fall fast and hard. I can't grab any branch or rail to stop myself from falling.

Clock Stopper Mania

I had a bad case of hyper-acidity yesterday and had to stay home and not go to work. The clock stopper dropped by and brought me food.

Before he arrived and amidst the pain I felt, I had the urge to hug him tight and kiss him hard when he arrives. I didn't get to do that though. I was trying to keep my cool and control what I was doing. I was able to stop myself from embarrassment but there is a wrestling match in me between embracing the chaos and controlling everything.

He still has not failed making me feel a lot of things. I feel like a high school girl with a first crush. I stutter when I speak, I savor every moment he holds my hand, I drink his smell, I can't stop smiling when I'm with him. These are the stupid unusual behaviors that I hate to do but can't stop doing.

I seriously have to compartmentalize moments in my life and I would have to file these moments to the dream file, not to my reality file of work, coffee and stress. I really have to make sure he doesn't get into my system and mix everything up. It's so much easier to end this if it's tucked away in an archive of wonderful-moments-but-do-not-really-mean-anything.

This is me rationalizing. The moment with him is not real. He is not real. I will allow myself this wonderful dream and someday soon, I will have to disappear. My mind knows that I am going to get seriously hurt if I don't stop seeing him. However, my heart, somehow, just dives into it. I cannot stop. But I will. When the time comes.

I love my life as it is, but he is like a drug I cannot refuse. I love my job and I love the challenges that go with it. I can feel my old life starting to crumble and shake while he is getting in it. I feel afraid, but I feel so much alive when he is in my life. He is chaos.

Idle Mind

I have a lot of thoughts today. First, I really want to focus on nude photography this time. I want to master it. I still love taking photos of the things around me but doing nude photography allows me to do the drama I want to see in photos.

Now the problem is getting a model. Hmmmm...

----------------------------------------

So I want to see someone again. I was hoping he would take me to the zoo today. (Yes, I haven't been to a zoo my entire life. It's embarrassing.) However, I'm not that excited to go to the zoo. I am more excited and anxious to see him again.

I saw a shooting star last night and yes, I wished for him. He woke my passion. I wish to keep it awake all the time. I wish to feel hunger for a kiss every waking hour. I wish to feel the tingle down my spine every time he kisses my shoulders and my neck. I wish to feel butterflies in my stomach when he stares at me.

Just Wrong

Falling for you is just wrong, completely and utterly wrong.

This is the time that I need to rationalize this feeling. This is the time that I should be unfeeling. I have to be smart about this.

But what can I do? A smile creeps up my face when I think about you. I involuntarily dance when I hear from you. I hear my heat skip a beat when I remember how you stare at me. My rational mind stops thinking and my heart starts feeling when it's about you.

This is just so wrong, so wrong.

You Stop the Clock

You stop the clock. I do not know how you do it. But every single time I see you, the world stops and you happen. I just feel. I do not remember to think. So you were wrong when you told me that I am unfeeling.

When I'm with you, I feel like myself and at the same time, more than how I see myself. I have tried rediscovering myself alone, but you make it easy when I'm with you.

Opie

I didn't believe in destiny. I always thought that a person has their specific journey and destination because of the decisions made in every twist and turn. But somehow, fate would interfere and place a very interesting thing at the side of the taken road.

When I was a little kid, perhaps 7 or 8 years old, there was an older kid in our neighborhood who kept pestering me. His name is Opie. He was grown up boy who was 9 years older than me. He had always tried catching me to hug me. And regardless if he caught me, he always said that he will wait for me without a care in the world on who heard him. "Hulaton taka ha?", that's what I remember him say.

I was a naive little girl then, but already wary of the danger of believing what he said. I would always find ways to avoid him, trying to find an opening to slip through him. I always tried to wiggle away from his embrace despite the weird pleasant feeling while in his arms. I was annoyed by his antics and I clawed my way out from his embrace. But I always felt excited about the attention and the anticipation of his warmth. I could hear my heart beat so fast and loud when I see him. When I think about the possibility of him doing the same thing to another girl, I always try to dismiss it. I could have sworn that I even thought about not ever speaking to him if he hugs another girl. With those 2 years of patintero, I had always felt special. I was secretly and pleasantly excited about him catching me.

It did happen. He was hugging another girl. He stopped catching me. It wasn't just a girl, though. She was someone who was as old as him. She was so beautiful and smart, and I knew that she was the one for him.

Although my heart was breaking into pieces, I couldn't tell anyone. I was afraid that they would laugh at me for really hoping that what he said would be true.

(to be continued)

...

Why is love so hard to find and so fragile to hold?

in love with love

It's just amazing that some people find someone to stick with, to adore and to love. Many people say that a person should not find love. Love finds a person. However, love is elusive. Like a beautiful butterfly... You're afraid to touch a butterfly. You wouldn't want to hold it or you might break its colorful wings. You just look at it with longing, lingering its beauty, form and grace. But you have to take it. It might go away, or might die that soon.

wedding bells and wedding dreams III

to continue with my flower girls... they would be in pink tights and pink ballet shoes. on their heads would be a ring of fresh flower arrangement. instead of baskets in their hands, they'd use a bag made of see-through cloth, which then will be fileld with petals of different colors. while marching towards the altar, they would blow bubbles.

there would only be 2 bridesmaids. their hair of big curls would hang free and decorated with small white flowers. they would wear asymmetrical flowing dresses. a long-stemmed white rose would be in their hand.

wedding bells and wedding dreams II

but if i'd be planning for my wedding, how would it be?

maybe the first thing that i'd do is think of how our wedding should be. i want it simple, but fun. i would want that all the people who are important to me and my husband-to-be will be there, since i believe that the marriage is for the couple, but the wedding is a celebration for all people that matter your lives (not the city mayor that you don't know or the congressman whom you only have seen on TV). i haven't really decided in what time of the day it would take place. well, most probably at 4pm since i would want the guests to dance the night away after the reception. the church should be brightly lit and decorated with many flowers of different colors, pastel colors preferably. we would have 2 cute flower girls dressed in very short Tinkerbell-like dresses with wings on their backs.

that's it for now. updates later.

MY KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOUR

when i was a little girl (i'm still little but not a girl anymore), i have always dreamed of that knight in shining armour. someone who would sweep me off my feet and take all my worries. now that i'm a bit mature, i've realized that it's hard to hope for that romance. it's disappointing and frustrating.

however, maybe things come when you least expect them. i am in manila, broke and hopeless. but 3 people helped me and encouraged me to still stand up and fight. let's call them Pocholo, Singkit and Doc.

Pochollo picked me up last night from taft avenue corner buendia. i was supposed to go to malate and meet him up. my plan was to go to taft ave corner edsa and ride a jeep there going to malate. but wow, there was a swarm of people (i think they were people going home to the province since it was a saturday night and people who watched the pyro-lympics in sm mall of asia). vehicles could not move because of the traffic jam and i could not take a taxi nor a jeep. so i walked until i reached buendia. still, there were a lot of people and no chance of getting a taxi. it was already 1 a.m. i wanted to cry and just go home (of course, by walking). then he told me to wait and he will pick me up. and in no time, there he was, in his walking shorts, white t-shirt, sneakers and comforting smile. Pochollo was a gentleman the whole time, staying at the danger side, opening doors for me, and asking if i'm okay.

Singkit is a normal guy trying to be very good guy. he tried to protect me from himself. hahaha! i don't know if that makes sense.

now, Doc, even if he's very busy, tries so much to spend time with me. he offered options and his help even if he has a lot of problems, himself.

i've never met a knight in shining armour before. the cynical me would have said that there's no such thing or person. i had been so sure before that no guy could ever be like that. but i am so glad that i'm wrong.

Puppy Love

It was the summer of 2004. I was in Metro Manila that time, working for a call center in Makati. It was lonely for me to be in a strange big city. I couldn't go out with my friends since they didn't have the same rest day as I had. So I spent my time going to the mall and surfing the Internet and chatting.

I met "Michael" in the IRC. I don't remember which channel it was or what we had talked about. But somehow, we exchanged numbers and began sending messages to each other. I knew then that he's in Batanggas, visiting his grandmother. We planned several times to meet in a mall in Makati but he couldn't leave his granny.
The time came when I realized I was pregnant. Well, actually, I already knew I was pregnant because I didn't have my period for 3 straight months then. I had just been too scared to accept it since no one was there for me. The father of my baby was not there because we broke off before I flew to Manila. Or rather, he broke off with me because he fell for another girl.
It was a double hit for me. I was so down that I thought of taking my own life and the life of my baby. Yet Michael was there, still texting despite knowing that I was pregnant. He urged me to live my life and tell my parents about. So I did. And as expected, it was a bomb for them.
I went home feeling lost, useless and worthless. Every night beside my sisters, I cry myself to sleep. Michael was the only person who can make me smile.
A couple of days after I arrived in Cebu, he told me that he was also in Cebu. He was taking his review classes here for the board exams. He is from Iloilo so Cebu was a practical choice for his studies. He asked if he could go to our province, which was an hour away from Cebu City, so he could meet me. I never expected that he would, but I certainly hoped.
And he did. He texted me that he was already in the church where I instructed him to go. I was a bit shocked that he was able to get there since it was his first time in Cebu. So I quickly headed there. "Michael" was already 23 years old at that time but I saw a lanky young man with hair divided in the middle. He looked younger than his age. We talked a bit and decided to start walking to our house. I thought he didn't bring a bag or anything but he rushed to the candle house and got his bag, a plastic and something covered in newspaper. On the way to the house he gave me the plastic bag and the thing covered in newspaper.
"What's this?" I asked.

"Just open it," he urged.
It was an arrangement of yellow roses in a box which looked like a small coffin. That was the first time I received flowers. I was already half expecting to see flowers inside but that didn't hinder me from feeling wonderful. I don't know how else to describe what I felt. It was just wonderful.
"You're blushing," he commented.
I was indignant on saying, "No. I don't know how to blush!" But he laughed at me.
In the plastic bag were several boxes of peanut kisses so I asked if he went to Bohol. He said that he just saw them in the grocery of Gaisano South and thought that my sisters and I might like them.
I served him a plateful of pancit canton that I cooked and a plate of rice. I was surprised to see later that he downed them all. He couldn't believe that I was the one who cooked the pancit. We talked in our living room after he ate. We talked about anything under the sun.
It was already at 5PM when I advised him to go since it would be difficult to get a V-hire if he'd go much later. On our way out of the compound, we passed by my mom who was at the neighbor's yard. He went near my mom and explained that he knew about my situation and that he is there as my friend. Imagine, my anxiety at that moment. No guy was ever brave enough to approach my mom.
I ended up going with him to the town since I still wanted to be with him. We bought bread and a bottle of Coke each at a food shop near the terminal.
"Can I ask you a favor?" he asked

"Sure, what is it?" I was happy to oblige.
"Can I court you? But promise me you won't have me, you won't say yes." It was a weird request.
"Why would you still want to court me if I won't say yes? Besides, I don't want to fall for you."
"Yeah. You're right." He agreed but he looked at me as if he was telling me something through his eyes.
After our talk, he needed to go or he'd miss the van. So we said our good byes.
It's ironic that the next time that we met was only because of my pre-natal check up. My tummy wasn't that big at that time. I would have to stay in a friend's apartment the night before the check up since I had to be early in the hospital. He would be there and then we would talk. we'd sit near the door way for the apartment and he'd lay his head on my shoulders or on my lap. I felt young and vulnerable at that time. The moment was painfully sweet. I almost wished it would last forever.
I took him to the gate when he was about to go home. Then he asked, "Can I ask for something?"
"What's that?" I wondered.
"Can I kiss you?" I was a bit surprised but I know in my heart I hoped for that.
"Well, okay." I stood stiff as I was waiting for the kiss. Then he kissed my cheek and got out of the gate as quickly as he could. It took minutes to register in my mind what had happened. I was expecting a kiss on the lips but he kissed me at my cheeks! Then I laughed my heart out. It wasn't what I expected but it sure was damn sweet. That memory made me sleep that night with a smile on my face.
The last time we met, we just spent out time holding each other's hands. He was hugging me. He wanted to talk to me about what we feel. Then in the end we both decided to just accept that we can't really be. We felt that it was the end of what we had.
I cried so much that night because it hurt. I couldn't explain what hurt me, but the hurt, somehow, reached my physical body because there was a physical pain on my chest.
I had loved the father of my child. He became my everything at one point in my life. What I felt for "Michael" wasn't that intense as my love for the father. However it became my source of strength when I needed it most. It was childish but wonderful. And I know that no matter whoever comes into my life, I would never forget "Michael".

catch

i need someone who can catch me when i fall...

but why can't i learn that there's no one? why do i still allow myself to fall again and again?

ulan

itulo na lang ang mga luha
nga nag-ung-ung sa akong mga mata
kining akong kasakit
unta maanod sa imong tubig

ikaw ra ang nakadungog
ning dugdog sa akong dughan
ning bakho sa hilum
ning syagit sa kalaay ug pag-inusara

ikaw ra ang nakakita
sa kangitngit sa akong palibut
sa kaguol likod sa katawa
sa samad nga dili makita

ikaw ra ang nasayod
kung unsa ang mga kaagi
kung unsa ang mga pangandoy
kung unsa ang gibati

ang tingog sa bundak mo
maoy hele sa pagkatulog
ang dampi sa tulo mo
maoy hapyod sa akong kalinaw

kitang duha nagdamgo
sa sa tulog, ako dili makamata
pahuway kong dayon
matag adlaw gi-ampo

dr. bob and family guy

let's call him dr. bob. last night, he went to my place. we exchanged stories of how our life was for the past month we hadn't seen each other. he brought me clusivol multivitamins by the way... after he gave it to me, we watched Family Guy from his iPod.

this cartoon is really slick. it's not for kids anyway. but it talks about sex, violence and many things. surprisingly, it still does give out moral lessons. like one episode, the mother was hooked into stealing because of the excitement taht it gives her. when she was in prison after she was caught, she told her family about the reason she did it. she was tired of the routine of being a mother and a wife. it's sad really when you think about it. i know many women feel that. they are simply deprived of the excitement in life.

another episode showed that we just realize the importance of some persons in our lives when they're not there anymore. the baby with the british accent had hot babysitter. he ogled for her but when he discovered that the girl has a boyfriend, he kidnapped the guy. so the girl was sad because the bf didn't call. and he was there trying to "comfort" the girl but, the slick baby reached for her chest. the babysitter, then, scolded the babe. because of this, the baby schemed to have her fired. she drugged the girl and scattered booze and drugs everywhere. when she was fired, she gave the kid a present to remember her by. this made him realize he made a mistake. but it was too late since she already left.

the cartoon presented it in a satiric and dirty way but it tells many truths in life.

how will you know you're in love?

is it when you cannot stop thinking of his face, his smile? when you just catch yourself smiling because you remembered something amusing that he said? when you still remember how you felt at home when your fingers interlocked? when you yearn to feel the security when your head is just on his chest? when you remember how you danced without music? when it feels so right when you laugh together? when you remember his smell? when you like the way he plants soft kisses on your head? when you... jeez... i can go on forever.