Babaeng Torpe

It has been so easy for me to talk about ideas or processes. I have proven that several times when I talk to clients or explain a topic to my trainees. Client can even hear the passion that I have for my job through my voice. I speak in front of people with passion.

(Now this is not bragging because what I will say next is definitely embarrassing.)

However, to people who matter, I do have a hard time expressing myself orally. I can write letters, yes, but I can't find my tongue when I have to respond to an "I love you."

I just noticed this impediment and I'm not proud of it. When the clock stopper told me that he loves me, I just raised my eyebrows and with a dumb expression I said, "Ha?" Whenever he tells me that this is the first time he has been very happy in a long time, my mind tries to catch words floating in the air with a net with huge holes. I can't talk. When he told me that he loves me for the second time, he had to say, "No response at all?" before I replied in a very small voice, "I love you too."

I do love him. I am crazy in love with him. My heart flutters when I hear his words. When I asked him, "What would you do if magsawa ka na sa akin?" He said, "I can't give you an answer. It's like, people not preparing for flying elephants' shit. How can I prepare for something that is impossible?" When he asked me a similar thing but more like a request, "Please tell me if magsasawa ka na sa akin, okay?" I just nodded and after a few seconds I said, "I doubt if that will happen."

I don't know how to tell him when he's in front of me. It comes so easy if I can write it down. I don't even have to edit it but it's just easy for my brain to work if it's written down. If I say it, I just open my mouth without any word coming out at all.

Yes, ako ay isang babaeng torpe.