The Clock Has Started

So the clockstopper and I broke up... It's an end to a wonderful start. I thought it was the relationship that would last until forever. When I prayed for the relationship and wished for it from a shooting star, I asked God and that star to give that to me until I die. But it finally had to end. I am still in love with him. And yes, I am hurting. But the hurt is different this time. It's like I'm suddenly uprooted. I suddenly don't know what to do with my life or if I have one. He has been my life for years. It hurts like someone took my heart away. I can't cry about it. I can't throw expletive phrases at him. Maybe I'm in denial. One thing that's good, though, is that I still can smile. I was able to for the people I work with and strangers I meet. I hope it means that I can get over him soon. Maybe the only consolation I have is the fact that I tried to do everything I could, no reservations; even in forgiving him about his cheating. For once, I couldn't blame myself. __________________________________ So after a short shopping at Ever Pasig, I took a jeepney home. It was definitely the worse traffic of all. But the San Sebastian Choir was in the jeepney with me. They did an impromptu concert, singing Christmas songs and "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. They were very generous with their talent and I am sure that everybody in that vehicle felt the essence of the holiday. Thank you for the songs and the smiles.

Passion For English

So I decided to put up a site. I'm not sure if it's going to work, but I sure do hope so. While I'm developing materials for it, I discovered that I was focused and determined. I even forget to eat or drink water when I'm in the zone. I even installed Articulate eLearning Tools to make my materials "nicer". Although the software looks user friendly, I'm still learning how to use the it. Maybe making training materials is my thing.

Oh well, if I win the lottery, I think I won't stop developing the website and training materials.

I'm getting sidetracked. Here's the link to the website:

Passion For English
http://love4english.webs.com

If you notice an error or have some suggestions, please let me know.

English Is a Funny Language

They say "Necessity breeds creativity.". I say, "Desperation forces ingenuity."

When people are trapped in a corner and they have to come up with something to survive, our adrenalin pumps over edge and we either do something stupid or really brilliant. Most of the time brilliant.

And yes, I am desperate. I am trapped in a corner. However, I can't say I will do something brilliant. This may be really really stupid. I have decided to teach English online, as an ESL tutor.

It's a horror! I just heard a creepy background music. I swear! Don't get me wrong. I love the English language. That's why I wanted to be a journalist in the first place and probably ended up as a writer for ESL materials before. However, I've never tried having a job outside of the corporate world. The thought of doing something new scares me.

So I brushed up on the rudiments of the English language and I stumbled across this funny poem:

Indeed, fish, crabs and shrimps are called seafood. But if they come from a stream, river or lake, will they still be called as such?

Hold On or Let Go?

My Philosophy professor said that there are only 2 premises in a relationship. The first premise is to hold on. I imagined that this would be metaphorically grabbing on to something while a very strong wind tries to blow you away. Just like the scene from Twister when Helen Hunt held on to a pipe while a tornado passes by. This means that there's no need to hold on to something if here's no threat to blow you away or take something away from you.

The second is to let go. This is when you don't feel that there's no hope and you just release your grip and say goodbye. Or maybe this is when you want to save the person you love just like how the father cut his rope in Cliff Hanger.

The problem is when to let go or when to keep on holding on. See, my professor never really explained this. When and how does a person really know? Do you let go when you think that all hope is lost? Do you keep on holding on even if it hurts, as long as you see even a tiny spark of hope?

Living a Life of Your Own Design

I am person of no luck at all. I have proven that several times in my life. When I was a kid, I had to work to be an honor student to get a pair of skates or a brick game. In college, I had to be frugal with my Php 500 a week allowance. That amount has to cover for 3 meals a day, projects, phone credits and fare. Then I had to work part-time to have an amount for enrollment.

I had to work harder than everyone else. Like now, I have been a trainer for more than 3 years and the people I've mentored are now training supervisors or are earning much more than I did.

Everything that I have and I had is a product of hard work, sweat and blood. I have no luck at all. And I refuse to believe in destiny, because if I do, it only means that I have resigned to being like this forever.

The clock stopper said that he has noticed my lack of luck. Everything I do is calculated, carefully thought of. When I fail at something, I don't rely on luck nor prayers to have it fixed. I do something to fix it. He also said that I am living a life of my own design. My own decisions. My own doing.

It is a euphemistic way of looking at it. I am happy that he sees it that way. However, I am wishing and praying that I could get lucky just once. Just once... I would like to breathe and say that I got what I want and deserve, and I didn't have to lose a finger or break my back getting it.

So Called "Friends"

I am tired of pretenders. Those who pretend to be friends and asking how I am when they don't really care or do anything even if you're dying. They just want to ask how you are to feel good with themselves and delude their minds into thinking that they are good friends.

It would be much better not to say anything at all. Ignore the suffering person. Just don't make a mistake in saying that you are a friend. Because if you do, you better call yourself "hypocrite".

Yes, I am angry and sad. I can never stop measuring others with my own standards. I can never stop getting disappointed and hurt.

I know what I did for friends and what I can still do for a friend. I can be there for a friend with complete and utter disregard for my own personal safety. Maybe when I get rich enough, I will clone myself.

Shit Happened

I'm going to die soon. Of starvation. I never thought someone can die of that in the Metro.

But I will. It may be better to just put a bullet in my head. Heck, I couldn't even afford a bullet.

Why is it that nobody can be there for me when I try to be there for everybody? Even if I only have 200 left, I still lend the 100 to a friend who needs it. It's ironic.

Every Time You Say "I Love You"

When I remember you say "I love you", I smile.
I smile because I could not only hear the words
But I can also see the love in your eyes.
They speak to me. It's intense.

You thought I would not hear your murmur.
You thought I would not listen to your whisper.
You thought I could not feel those kisses.
You thought I could not sense your stares.

I get blind. I get deaf.
With the look of love that you give me
With the sweetness of those words
Oh, help me but I love going blind and deaf

From your voice, your touch, and the passion in your eyes
I would happily drown and get lost in your arms
This is dangerous, I know.
But my heart sings and soars as my reply.

Babaeng Torpe

It has been so easy for me to talk about ideas or processes. I have proven that several times when I talk to clients or explain a topic to my trainees. Client can even hear the passion that I have for my job through my voice. I speak in front of people with passion.

(Now this is not bragging because what I will say next is definitely embarrassing.)

However, to people who matter, I do have a hard time expressing myself orally. I can write letters, yes, but I can't find my tongue when I have to respond to an "I love you."

I just noticed this impediment and I'm not proud of it. When the clock stopper told me that he loves me, I just raised my eyebrows and with a dumb expression I said, "Ha?" Whenever he tells me that this is the first time he has been very happy in a long time, my mind tries to catch words floating in the air with a net with huge holes. I can't talk. When he told me that he loves me for the second time, he had to say, "No response at all?" before I replied in a very small voice, "I love you too."

I do love him. I am crazy in love with him. My heart flutters when I hear his words. When I asked him, "What would you do if magsawa ka na sa akin?" He said, "I can't give you an answer. It's like, people not preparing for flying elephants' shit. How can I prepare for something that is impossible?" When he asked me a similar thing but more like a request, "Please tell me if magsasawa ka na sa akin, okay?" I just nodded and after a few seconds I said, "I doubt if that will happen."

I don't know how to tell him when he's in front of me. It comes so easy if I can write it down. I don't even have to edit it but it's just easy for my brain to work if it's written down. If I say it, I just open my mouth without any word coming out at all.

Yes, ako ay isang babaeng torpe.

3 Separate Thoughts

1. The clock stopper murmured, "I love you". Then he asked, "Did you hear that?" My answer? "Huh?"

I wasn't able to react! I didn't even hear him clearly and wasn't sure if I heard him right. Did I lose the "moment"? Is there such thing as a "perfect moment" when two people express their feelings at a moment when there seems to be music in the background and butterflies flying around, just like in the movies?

Oh well, I could not even say a word to respond. I am the female counterpart for guys' "torpe".

2. I miss my blog. My Internet has been disconnected and I don't really have the chance now to have it reconnected. I miss whining and bitching out.

3. I am quitting my job today. Finally! Wish me luck, y'all! I will rest and restore my health. Then, I'll embark on a fresh journey, perhaps in a different company or with a small business I've been thinking about.

My IQ Dropped 10 Points

I would like to believe I'm smart. Let's just say that I am for the benefit of this entry. *wink*

People say that when smart people fall in love, they become stupid, or at least their IQ drops. I don't think this is actually true. What happens is the person in love feels something he or she cannot logically explain. When this happens, it stirs up the rational mind. The person does something he or she isn't inclined to do on a normal basis. Oh, this act has been thought of several times. Too much thinking actually that leads to arriving on a logical explanation to do it. The logical explanation isn't the reason for the act, but is being used as a band aid to the rational mind, so it would stop thinking about why the person is doing this unnatural act.

This has to be done, you know. Or the urge to do something or express something would not stop. Believe me, it's annoying to try to dismiss something that you feel. I've tried it before and it was damn hard to suppress it. It's like having a heart attack while trying to smile and act normal.

Apparently, I was really good at masking how I felt. Poker face, they say. Nevertheless, I felt like Fedor and Henderson were fighting inside me. Slowly, the urge to tell him how I felt got out and finally won. When this irrational side wins, the rational mind can only provide support and apply logic into the action or actions that may have been done or may still be done.

Just like what I'm doing now. Trying so hard to rationalize what's happening to me.

The Perfect Drug

I told clock stopper that he is an addictive drug. Then he said that he doesn't want to be narcotic and that I should look up The Perfect Drug by Nine Inch Nails.

He is definitely my perfect drug. I told him that and he doesn't want it because of the last 2 lines of the song.

"Without you, everything just falls apart
It's not much fun to pick up the pieces."

I assured him that I will be fine and that I am a big girl. He said that drugs are fake and he is not.

He may not be fake. But he is still not real for me. He can't be real in my world. He is a dream that I know will never come true. I know this reality but I can't help but fall fast and hard. I can't grab any branch or rail to stop myself from falling.

Clock Stopper Mania

I had a bad case of hyper-acidity yesterday and had to stay home and not go to work. The clock stopper dropped by and brought me food.

Before he arrived and amidst the pain I felt, I had the urge to hug him tight and kiss him hard when he arrives. I didn't get to do that though. I was trying to keep my cool and control what I was doing. I was able to stop myself from embarrassment but there is a wrestling match in me between embracing the chaos and controlling everything.

He still has not failed making me feel a lot of things. I feel like a high school girl with a first crush. I stutter when I speak, I savor every moment he holds my hand, I drink his smell, I can't stop smiling when I'm with him. These are the stupid unusual behaviors that I hate to do but can't stop doing.

I seriously have to compartmentalize moments in my life and I would have to file these moments to the dream file, not to my reality file of work, coffee and stress. I really have to make sure he doesn't get into my system and mix everything up. It's so much easier to end this if it's tucked away in an archive of wonderful-moments-but-do-not-really-mean-anything.

This is me rationalizing. The moment with him is not real. He is not real. I will allow myself this wonderful dream and someday soon, I will have to disappear. My mind knows that I am going to get seriously hurt if I don't stop seeing him. However, my heart, somehow, just dives into it. I cannot stop. But I will. When the time comes.

I love my life as it is, but he is like a drug I cannot refuse. I love my job and I love the challenges that go with it. I can feel my old life starting to crumble and shake while he is getting in it. I feel afraid, but I feel so much alive when he is in my life. He is chaos.

The House Feels Empty

My best friend from Australia, dropped by Manila before flying back to Brisbane. She arrived last Friday and it had been awesome every single minute. We reminisced our experiences in college, how we were almost killed by a raging jeepney in front of our school, how we used to get drunk and the crazy stuff we did, and how we were so different yet so similar.

She told me that I have a way of choosing men/boys. She surmised that I chose those who can never be a husband. She said I was unconsciously avoiding full commitment. LOL Maybe she's right. I'm not really sure.

We didn't really do a lot of things nor go to a lot of places. Hanging out with her was already pleasure and relaxation. I wanted to take her to a lot of places. However, we were not able to because of financial challenges.

I don't really know when we will see each other again, but I'm hoping that she gets to come home before her church wedding. I am hoping too that I get to Australia for the ceremony. She said that she can only think of me when she's trying to think of who the maid of honor should be. i should start saving now. ;)

Anyway, she "predicted" that when the time comes that I have to go to Brisbane, I would have found somebody who is perfect for me. I laughed. I hope that guy can pay for his own ticket to Australia, because I will definitely stay with my best friend for a month.

So I brought her to the airport and she should be in the plane at this specific moment, waiting for it to take off.

I loved every moment of it, bai. I missed you so much and I am missing you now. The house feels so empty without your laugh and crazy psychological analyses.

Thank you for the gift of your presence. Enjoy your flight and behave in the plane. I love you, bai!

Idle Mind

I have a lot of thoughts today. First, I really want to focus on nude photography this time. I want to master it. I still love taking photos of the things around me but doing nude photography allows me to do the drama I want to see in photos.

Now the problem is getting a model. Hmmmm...

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So I want to see someone again. I was hoping he would take me to the zoo today. (Yes, I haven't been to a zoo my entire life. It's embarrassing.) However, I'm not that excited to go to the zoo. I am more excited and anxious to see him again.

I saw a shooting star last night and yes, I wished for him. He woke my passion. I wish to keep it awake all the time. I wish to feel hunger for a kiss every waking hour. I wish to feel the tingle down my spine every time he kisses my shoulders and my neck. I wish to feel butterflies in my stomach when he stares at me.

Just Wrong

Falling for you is just wrong, completely and utterly wrong.

This is the time that I need to rationalize this feeling. This is the time that I should be unfeeling. I have to be smart about this.

But what can I do? A smile creeps up my face when I think about you. I involuntarily dance when I hear from you. I hear my heat skip a beat when I remember how you stare at me. My rational mind stops thinking and my heart starts feeling when it's about you.

This is just so wrong, so wrong.

You Stop the Clock

You stop the clock. I do not know how you do it. But every single time I see you, the world stops and you happen. I just feel. I do not remember to think. So you were wrong when you told me that I am unfeeling.

When I'm with you, I feel like myself and at the same time, more than how I see myself. I have tried rediscovering myself alone, but you make it easy when I'm with you.

Alone

I feel so alone now...

I should be sleeping now, but I know that when I wake up, I'll still be alone.

Harana

I have always like this song from Parokya ni Edgar. It talks about how a guy sings to his loved one through a serenade. It's something I haven't experienced. Heck, I haven't been courted yet in my 28 years of existence!

I find it romantic when a guy would bring you flowers and chocolates. Although I have received flowers and peanut kisses from 'Michael' (talked about him in 2006 archive), I haven't really experienced the courtship stage. The relationships I had were always almost instantaneous: you like me, I like you, now we are dating. I haven't been wooed. I haven't experienced that kilig factor when a guy knocks on your door with a bunch of flowers.

I know that it almost does not happen anymore these days. However, it would be nice if someone would like you that much to really pursue you. I guess this will just be part of the list I can't tick off and say "Completed!"

Pretty Woman

I watched Pretty Woman again. I don't think I will ever get enough of that movie.


It's a wonderful Cinderella story that girls can relate with. Most of us are waiting for that man who would need help with a mundane task. A man who can both be a knight and a king. A man who has almost everything. A man who treats every woman with respect. A man who has worked and made his own money. A man who finds charm in a girl's big laugh. A man who feels a hole when you're not in his life.


Richard Geer's character made me want to jump into the movie and be Vivian (Julia Robert's character). I wish it were real. I wish I were the girl.


She said, "This whole experience changed me. Now, I want the fairy tale." I want the fairy tale too.