The Perfect Drug

I told clock stopper that he is an addictive drug. Then he said that he doesn't want to be narcotic and that I should look up The Perfect Drug by Nine Inch Nails.

He is definitely my perfect drug. I told him that and he doesn't want it because of the last 2 lines of the song.

"Without you, everything just falls apart
It's not much fun to pick up the pieces."

I assured him that I will be fine and that I am a big girl. He said that drugs are fake and he is not.

He may not be fake. But he is still not real for me. He can't be real in my world. He is a dream that I know will never come true. I know this reality but I can't help but fall fast and hard. I can't grab any branch or rail to stop myself from falling.

Clock Stopper Mania

I had a bad case of hyper-acidity yesterday and had to stay home and not go to work. The clock stopper dropped by and brought me food.

Before he arrived and amidst the pain I felt, I had the urge to hug him tight and kiss him hard when he arrives. I didn't get to do that though. I was trying to keep my cool and control what I was doing. I was able to stop myself from embarrassment but there is a wrestling match in me between embracing the chaos and controlling everything.

He still has not failed making me feel a lot of things. I feel like a high school girl with a first crush. I stutter when I speak, I savor every moment he holds my hand, I drink his smell, I can't stop smiling when I'm with him. These are the stupid unusual behaviors that I hate to do but can't stop doing.

I seriously have to compartmentalize moments in my life and I would have to file these moments to the dream file, not to my reality file of work, coffee and stress. I really have to make sure he doesn't get into my system and mix everything up. It's so much easier to end this if it's tucked away in an archive of wonderful-moments-but-do-not-really-mean-anything.

This is me rationalizing. The moment with him is not real. He is not real. I will allow myself this wonderful dream and someday soon, I will have to disappear. My mind knows that I am going to get seriously hurt if I don't stop seeing him. However, my heart, somehow, just dives into it. I cannot stop. But I will. When the time comes.

I love my life as it is, but he is like a drug I cannot refuse. I love my job and I love the challenges that go with it. I can feel my old life starting to crumble and shake while he is getting in it. I feel afraid, but I feel so much alive when he is in my life. He is chaos.

The House Feels Empty

My best friend from Australia, dropped by Manila before flying back to Brisbane. She arrived last Friday and it had been awesome every single minute. We reminisced our experiences in college, how we were almost killed by a raging jeepney in front of our school, how we used to get drunk and the crazy stuff we did, and how we were so different yet so similar.

She told me that I have a way of choosing men/boys. She surmised that I chose those who can never be a husband. She said I was unconsciously avoiding full commitment. LOL Maybe she's right. I'm not really sure.

We didn't really do a lot of things nor go to a lot of places. Hanging out with her was already pleasure and relaxation. I wanted to take her to a lot of places. However, we were not able to because of financial challenges.

I don't really know when we will see each other again, but I'm hoping that she gets to come home before her church wedding. I am hoping too that I get to Australia for the ceremony. She said that she can only think of me when she's trying to think of who the maid of honor should be. i should start saving now. ;)

Anyway, she "predicted" that when the time comes that I have to go to Brisbane, I would have found somebody who is perfect for me. I laughed. I hope that guy can pay for his own ticket to Australia, because I will definitely stay with my best friend for a month.

So I brought her to the airport and she should be in the plane at this specific moment, waiting for it to take off.

I loved every moment of it, bai. I missed you so much and I am missing you now. The house feels so empty without your laugh and crazy psychological analyses.

Thank you for the gift of your presence. Enjoy your flight and behave in the plane. I love you, bai!

Idle Mind

I have a lot of thoughts today. First, I really want to focus on nude photography this time. I want to master it. I still love taking photos of the things around me but doing nude photography allows me to do the drama I want to see in photos.

Now the problem is getting a model. Hmmmm...

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So I want to see someone again. I was hoping he would take me to the zoo today. (Yes, I haven't been to a zoo my entire life. It's embarrassing.) However, I'm not that excited to go to the zoo. I am more excited and anxious to see him again.

I saw a shooting star last night and yes, I wished for him. He woke my passion. I wish to keep it awake all the time. I wish to feel hunger for a kiss every waking hour. I wish to feel the tingle down my spine every time he kisses my shoulders and my neck. I wish to feel butterflies in my stomach when he stares at me.

Just Wrong

Falling for you is just wrong, completely and utterly wrong.

This is the time that I need to rationalize this feeling. This is the time that I should be unfeeling. I have to be smart about this.

But what can I do? A smile creeps up my face when I think about you. I involuntarily dance when I hear from you. I hear my heat skip a beat when I remember how you stare at me. My rational mind stops thinking and my heart starts feeling when it's about you.

This is just so wrong, so wrong.

You Stop the Clock

You stop the clock. I do not know how you do it. But every single time I see you, the world stops and you happen. I just feel. I do not remember to think. So you were wrong when you told me that I am unfeeling.

When I'm with you, I feel like myself and at the same time, more than how I see myself. I have tried rediscovering myself alone, but you make it easy when I'm with you.

Alone

I feel so alone now...

I should be sleeping now, but I know that when I wake up, I'll still be alone.

Harana

I have always like this song from Parokya ni Edgar. It talks about how a guy sings to his loved one through a serenade. It's something I haven't experienced. Heck, I haven't been courted yet in my 28 years of existence!

I find it romantic when a guy would bring you flowers and chocolates. Although I have received flowers and peanut kisses from 'Michael' (talked about him in 2006 archive), I haven't really experienced the courtship stage. The relationships I had were always almost instantaneous: you like me, I like you, now we are dating. I haven't been wooed. I haven't experienced that kilig factor when a guy knocks on your door with a bunch of flowers.

I know that it almost does not happen anymore these days. However, it would be nice if someone would like you that much to really pursue you. I guess this will just be part of the list I can't tick off and say "Completed!"

Pretty Woman

I watched Pretty Woman again. I don't think I will ever get enough of that movie.


It's a wonderful Cinderella story that girls can relate with. Most of us are waiting for that man who would need help with a mundane task. A man who can both be a knight and a king. A man who has almost everything. A man who treats every woman with respect. A man who has worked and made his own money. A man who finds charm in a girl's big laugh. A man who feels a hole when you're not in his life.


Richard Geer's character made me want to jump into the movie and be Vivian (Julia Robert's character). I wish it were real. I wish I were the girl.


She said, "This whole experience changed me. Now, I want the fairy tale." I want the fairy tale too.