About 2 months from now, I will be turning 25 years old. 25 is a scary age for me. It means that you just have 5 years more to be 30; 5 years is just a very short time.
I may have become a trainer at the age of 24 (and that's still young), and I may be happy with my life now, but there's something that I still failed to do. And that is to have one single relationship that I can be proud of. I never had a normal loving relationship, not even once. All relationships I had either started out wrong and ended wrong or could be considered non-existent.
My very first boyfriend was from Davao whom I've never seen in person. I had a boyfriend who disappeared after I said, "Yes! I'll be your girlfriend." I had another who was hated by my friends and family and who left me for another girl. I had one who only meets me once or twice a month, and I didn't even get to know any of his friends and family members.
I'm worried. I'm going to be 25 soon and yet I still haven't experienced how it is to be a normal girlfriend. Yes, I want that. I want to go shopping with a boyfriend, watch movies with him, have dinner with his family, have a drink with his friends and see him more than once in a week.
I want to be normal.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
ulan na sad
nag-ulan na sad. maayo pa ang kalangitan kay wala siya'y bale kung kinsa ang mureklamo na mutulo na ang luha, dili siya maulaw kung sobra na ang banaw tungod sa iya. bisan unsaon nako ug pamisti na nabasa na sad akong nilabhan ug dili ko kauli ug tarong sa akong kuwarto nga gamay, wala gyud siya papugong. wala pa ggyud na siya'y ulaw kay paghuman sa ulan, usahay musidlak ang adlaw na pagka-anindot. murag wala lay nahitabo.
nganong ang tawo bisan unsa na kasakit sa gibati, bisan nangatangtang na ang ngipon sa pagkagut, kinahanglan man pugngan ang tulo sa luha? kani mahitabo ilabina sa mga lugar na daghang tawo. ulaw ihilak. usahay bati-on nato na huyang kaayo 'ta kung di ta kapugong sa hilak. sakit na kaayo imong dughan. ang sakit mura ka ug kapila giduslak ug pinuti.
kung dili na gyud kapugong, mu-adto sa banyo ug muhilak sa hilom. usahay, pugngan lang, unya pag-abot sa balay, didto ipa-anod tanan. muhilak sa kahilom ug kangitngit... hangtud makatulog.
pero sa sunod nga adlaw, mao ra gihapon ang gibati. nagbitbit ra gihapon sa kasakit. wala'y nakabalo, pero sa sulod sa imong pagkatawo naghinay-hinay na ka ug kalunod.
nganong ang tawo bisan unsa na kasakit sa gibati, bisan nangatangtang na ang ngipon sa pagkagut, kinahanglan man pugngan ang tulo sa luha? kani mahitabo ilabina sa mga lugar na daghang tawo. ulaw ihilak. usahay bati-on nato na huyang kaayo 'ta kung di ta kapugong sa hilak. sakit na kaayo imong dughan. ang sakit mura ka ug kapila giduslak ug pinuti.
kung dili na gyud kapugong, mu-adto sa banyo ug muhilak sa hilom. usahay, pugngan lang, unya pag-abot sa balay, didto ipa-anod tanan. muhilak sa kahilom ug kangitngit... hangtud makatulog.
pero sa sunod nga adlaw, mao ra gihapon ang gibati. nagbitbit ra gihapon sa kasakit. wala'y nakabalo, pero sa sulod sa imong pagkatawo naghinay-hinay na ka ug kalunod.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
dfrunk
i'm drunk right now. and of course, im writing this while im drunk. pathetic right? hahaha.... i just want someone to be there for me and take care of me.
i wonder why it's so difficult
i wonder why it's so difficult
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Cowardice
Why are fear and insecurity getting ahead of me? I was supposed to go out alone last night. Maybe have a beer in a dance bar or somewhere. I've first planned to go to Alchemy. I even planned what to wear.
But last night, I realized how much of a coward I am. I can't go alone. My body is just refusing to go and get ready. So I ended up sleeping the night away. If I could only hit myself... I don't know what happened to my plan of "rewarding myself".
Today, I'm planning to go to the mall. I've already thought of bringing my 2 pairs of shoes to Mr. Quickie to have them repaired. Then, probably it would be good to watch Transformers. I also have to do my grocery. I already ran out of shampoo and deodorant. Then I've thought of having a bottle of beer in Gerry's Grill.
Plans, plans, plans... But can I do them? -Alone. I am a coward. I know, I'd end up turning round and round in Market Market because I can't decide where to go or what to do.
But last night, I realized how much of a coward I am. I can't go alone. My body is just refusing to go and get ready. So I ended up sleeping the night away. If I could only hit myself... I don't know what happened to my plan of "rewarding myself".
Today, I'm planning to go to the mall. I've already thought of bringing my 2 pairs of shoes to Mr. Quickie to have them repaired. Then, probably it would be good to watch Transformers. I also have to do my grocery. I already ran out of shampoo and deodorant. Then I've thought of having a bottle of beer in Gerry's Grill.
Plans, plans, plans... But can I do them? -Alone. I am a coward. I know, I'd end up turning round and round in Market Market because I can't decide where to go or what to do.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Friday, June 1, 2007
in love with love
It's just amazing that some people find someone to stick with, to adore and to love. Many people say that a person should not find love. Love finds a person. However, love is elusive. Like a beautiful butterfly... You're afraid to touch a butterfly. You wouldn't want to hold it or you might break its colorful wings. You just look at it with longing, lingering its beauty, form and grace. But you have to take it. It might go away, or might die that soon.
Monday, May 14, 2007
shooting star
at long last, i've played airsoft after being inactive for more than a month. last saturday, our team played with the warpigs in the Army Adventure Zone. Bm wasn't able to bring my gun because, i think, its magazine is not working (poor gun). so i ended up using Enigz's Kaye. Kaye is a wonderful piece of work. she has a red dot scope with impressive precision. (if only i could buy Kaye.)
by mid-afternoon, a convoy of 3 cars arrived. and guess what? troy montero emerged from one of the cars. so he plays airsoft huh? then the marines were already scheming on how they want to take pretty boy down. to their disappointment, troy just played in the late afternoon and only in our team's last game.
we had to exit early since there is a small salu-salo in the house of one MFR member. we arrived in his house about 7pm. there was still a meeting before we had dinner. after dinner, everybody was engaged in a chitchat and suddenly i felt the need to breathe fresh air. so went to the lawn and looked up the night sky. i saw a shooting star. it was my first time to see one. my mind was saying, "what? what do i need to do? i need to make a wish." i still took time to think! but still i closed my eyes and thought of my wish. i wouldn't tell you my wish, though.
"i just saw a shooting star!" i told Ranger.
"naniniwala ka dun?" his cynical reply.
"i don't know. if it's not true and i make a wish, walang mawawala sa akin. but if it's true and i don't make a wish, i would have had lost my chance."
by mid-afternoon, a convoy of 3 cars arrived. and guess what? troy montero emerged from one of the cars. so he plays airsoft huh? then the marines were already scheming on how they want to take pretty boy down. to their disappointment, troy just played in the late afternoon and only in our team's last game.
we had to exit early since there is a small salu-salo in the house of one MFR member. we arrived in his house about 7pm. there was still a meeting before we had dinner. after dinner, everybody was engaged in a chitchat and suddenly i felt the need to breathe fresh air. so went to the lawn and looked up the night sky. i saw a shooting star. it was my first time to see one. my mind was saying, "what? what do i need to do? i need to make a wish." i still took time to think! but still i closed my eyes and thought of my wish. i wouldn't tell you my wish, though.
"i just saw a shooting star!" i told Ranger.
"naniniwala ka dun?" his cynical reply.
"i don't know. if it's not true and i make a wish, walang mawawala sa akin. but if it's true and i don't make a wish, i would have had lost my chance."
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
wedding bells and wedding dreams III
to continue with my flower girls... they would be in pink tights and pink ballet shoes. on their heads would be a ring of fresh flower arrangement. instead of baskets in their hands, they'd use a bag made of see-through cloth, which then will be fileld with petals of different colors. while marching towards the altar, they would blow bubbles.
there would only be 2 bridesmaids. their hair of big curls would hang free and decorated with small white flowers. they would wear asymmetrical flowing dresses. a long-stemmed white rose would be in their hand.
there would only be 2 bridesmaids. their hair of big curls would hang free and decorated with small white flowers. they would wear asymmetrical flowing dresses. a long-stemmed white rose would be in their hand.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
wedding bells and wedding dreams II
but if i'd be planning for my wedding, how would it be?
maybe the first thing that i'd do is think of how our wedding should be. i want it simple, but fun. i would want that all the people who are important to me and my husband-to-be will be there, since i believe that the marriage is for the couple, but the wedding is a celebration for all people that matter your lives (not the city mayor that you don't know or the congressman whom you only have seen on TV). i haven't really decided in what time of the day it would take place. well, most probably at 4pm since i would want the guests to dance the night away after the reception. the church should be brightly lit and decorated with many flowers of different colors, pastel colors preferably. we would have 2 cute flower girls dressed in very short Tinkerbell-like dresses with wings on their backs.
that's it for now. updates later.
maybe the first thing that i'd do is think of how our wedding should be. i want it simple, but fun. i would want that all the people who are important to me and my husband-to-be will be there, since i believe that the marriage is for the couple, but the wedding is a celebration for all people that matter your lives (not the city mayor that you don't know or the congressman whom you only have seen on TV). i haven't really decided in what time of the day it would take place. well, most probably at 4pm since i would want the guests to dance the night away after the reception. the church should be brightly lit and decorated with many flowers of different colors, pastel colors preferably. we would have 2 cute flower girls dressed in very short Tinkerbell-like dresses with wings on their backs.
that's it for now. updates later.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
wedding bells and wedding dreams
i was supposed to render an hour of pre-shift overtime today but i was too lazy again to get up from my bed. so the 1 hour OT decreased to 30 minutes OT.
my life has been boring again these past few weeks. from work, i go home. i, then, either watch a movie with a dvd i bought from guadalupe, or read a mushy tagalog novel. sounds like a routine of a spinster huh? maybe that's the road that i'm involuntarily taking. being a spinster. and that could be a very surprising route in the eyes of my friends and people who know me. my college friends even expected me to be the first one who will get married in our circle. shockingly, two of my friends got married (of course, before I do). one of them even said that she won't get married and she would just have herself impregnated. but that was, of course, when we were a lot younger.
perhaps, i am still young. hehehe... i would want to enjoy movies, 'baduy' novels and being alone. maybe it's more fun to be bored alone that to be bored with someone.
my life has been boring again these past few weeks. from work, i go home. i, then, either watch a movie with a dvd i bought from guadalupe, or read a mushy tagalog novel. sounds like a routine of a spinster huh? maybe that's the road that i'm involuntarily taking. being a spinster. and that could be a very surprising route in the eyes of my friends and people who know me. my college friends even expected me to be the first one who will get married in our circle. shockingly, two of my friends got married (of course, before I do). one of them even said that she won't get married and she would just have herself impregnated. but that was, of course, when we were a lot younger.
perhaps, i am still young. hehehe... i would want to enjoy movies, 'baduy' novels and being alone. maybe it's more fun to be bored alone that to be bored with someone.
Monday, April 9, 2007
of marriage and desperation
it's already easter sunday but i haven't been to the church since... i don't remember. i know i should but i haven't felt religious the past few months. i know, it isn't supposed to be just a 'feeling'. it's supposed to be your duty to thank the person up there. there shouldn't be an excuse. i don't have one. so, let's not talk about it.
peejee, one of the few friends i have, had already said her marriage vows in front of a judge recently. lizzie, another friend, went to the states last year and got married there. good for them. in a woman's life, we are already at the marrying age anyway.
however, when i think about marriage in my life, it's somewhat like an unreachable dream. it's not like an alien situation or a strange event for me since my mom is a wedding coordinator. i've been to a lot of weddings, i've tried a lot of bridal gowns, i've read a lot of vows, and i've eaten wedding cakes of different flavors. it's just that 'marriage' is something that's so near yet so far in my life. so near because it has always been a part of my life. so far because it's never me at the altar. perhaps, the husband-to-be is still missing. hahaha!
you might smell desperation. maybe i am? or maybe it's just a tinge of wonder that people normally have. but then again, maybe i'm just envious
peejee, one of the few friends i have, had already said her marriage vows in front of a judge recently. lizzie, another friend, went to the states last year and got married there. good for them. in a woman's life, we are already at the marrying age anyway.
however, when i think about marriage in my life, it's somewhat like an unreachable dream. it's not like an alien situation or a strange event for me since my mom is a wedding coordinator. i've been to a lot of weddings, i've tried a lot of bridal gowns, i've read a lot of vows, and i've eaten wedding cakes of different flavors. it's just that 'marriage' is something that's so near yet so far in my life. so near because it has always been a part of my life. so far because it's never me at the altar. perhaps, the husband-to-be is still missing. hahaha!
you might smell desperation. maybe i am? or maybe it's just a tinge of wonder that people normally have. but then again, maybe i'm just envious
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
confessions
1. although i get hyperacidity everytime i drink coffee, i still consume coffee because of conversations.
2. my friends started calling me 'amor' because of the term 'amorous' in our humanities II class. 'amorous' describes me, they said.
3. my mobile phone has been with me for more that 3 years and i haven't paid for it since it was free through globe.
4. whenever i see a couple who are very sweet to each other, my mind would automatically imagine them having sex. and then i laugh privately at the thought.
5. i've never had a real suitor, ever.
6. i've never received flowers or chocolates or anything during valentine's day.
7. i'm allergic to dogs. whenever a dog is near to me for a time, i'd get itches all over my body.
8. i put gravy over my rice whenever i eat in KFC and my favorite food in kfc is their mushroom soup.
9. i still play online games like tantra.
10. i've fallen in love a few times with persons i haven't yet seen.
11. i get dumbfounded when a person would ask, "what kind of music do you listen to?" i have this general idea that all people are music lovers. they just differ with the kind of music they like. but i don't usually listen to music, and i find that weird.
12. my favorite color is red.
13. i had my first and second crushes when i was in kinder and i still remember their names. one was my childhood sweetheart, joel james bacayo. the other one was norimark contreras.
14. i write when i'm naked.
15. and i can't write if i'm not emotional.
16. i cry when i'm physically tired.
17. i am manic-depressive (as you already know based on your readings).
2. my friends started calling me 'amor' because of the term 'amorous' in our humanities II class. 'amorous' describes me, they said.
3. my mobile phone has been with me for more that 3 years and i haven't paid for it since it was free through globe.
4. whenever i see a couple who are very sweet to each other, my mind would automatically imagine them having sex. and then i laugh privately at the thought.
5. i've never had a real suitor, ever.
6. i've never received flowers or chocolates or anything during valentine's day.
7. i'm allergic to dogs. whenever a dog is near to me for a time, i'd get itches all over my body.
8. i put gravy over my rice whenever i eat in KFC and my favorite food in kfc is their mushroom soup.
9. i still play online games like tantra.
10. i've fallen in love a few times with persons i haven't yet seen.
11. i get dumbfounded when a person would ask, "what kind of music do you listen to?" i have this general idea that all people are music lovers. they just differ with the kind of music they like. but i don't usually listen to music, and i find that weird.
12. my favorite color is red.
13. i had my first and second crushes when i was in kinder and i still remember their names. one was my childhood sweetheart, joel james bacayo. the other one was norimark contreras.
14. i write when i'm naked.
15. and i can't write if i'm not emotional.
16. i cry when i'm physically tired.
17. i am manic-depressive (as you already know based on your readings).
Monday, January 15, 2007
MY KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOUR
when i was a little girl (i'm still little but not a girl anymore), i have always dreamed of that knight in shining armour. someone who would sweep me off my feet and take all my worries. now that i'm a bit mature, i've realized that it's hard to hope for that romance. it's disappointing and frustrating.
however, maybe things come when you least expect them. i am in manila, broke and hopeless. but 3 people helped me and encouraged me to still stand up and fight. let's call them Pocholo, Singkit and Doc.
Pochollo picked me up last night from taft avenue corner buendia. i was supposed to go to malate and meet him up. my plan was to go to taft ave corner edsa and ride a jeep there going to malate. but wow, there was a swarm of people (i think they were people going home to the province since it was a saturday night and people who watched the pyro-lympics in sm mall of asia). vehicles could not move because of the traffic jam and i could not take a taxi nor a jeep. so i walked until i reached buendia. still, there were a lot of people and no chance of getting a taxi. it was already 1 a.m. i wanted to cry and just go home (of course, by walking). then he told me to wait and he will pick me up. and in no time, there he was, in his walking shorts, white t-shirt, sneakers and comforting smile. Pochollo was a gentleman the whole time, staying at the danger side, opening doors for me, and asking if i'm okay.
Singkit is a normal guy trying to be very good guy. he tried to protect me from himself. hahaha! i don't know if that makes sense.
now, Doc, even if he's very busy, tries so much to spend time with me. he offered options and his help even if he has a lot of problems, himself.
i've never met a knight in shining armour before. the cynical me would have said that there's no such thing or person. i had been so sure before that no guy could ever be like that. but i am so glad that i'm wrong.
however, maybe things come when you least expect them. i am in manila, broke and hopeless. but 3 people helped me and encouraged me to still stand up and fight. let's call them Pocholo, Singkit and Doc.
Pochollo picked me up last night from taft avenue corner buendia. i was supposed to go to malate and meet him up. my plan was to go to taft ave corner edsa and ride a jeep there going to malate. but wow, there was a swarm of people (i think they were people going home to the province since it was a saturday night and people who watched the pyro-lympics in sm mall of asia). vehicles could not move because of the traffic jam and i could not take a taxi nor a jeep. so i walked until i reached buendia. still, there were a lot of people and no chance of getting a taxi. it was already 1 a.m. i wanted to cry and just go home (of course, by walking). then he told me to wait and he will pick me up. and in no time, there he was, in his walking shorts, white t-shirt, sneakers and comforting smile. Pochollo was a gentleman the whole time, staying at the danger side, opening doors for me, and asking if i'm okay.
Singkit is a normal guy trying to be very good guy. he tried to protect me from himself. hahaha! i don't know if that makes sense.
now, Doc, even if he's very busy, tries so much to spend time with me. he offered options and his help even if he has a lot of problems, himself.
i've never met a knight in shining armour before. the cynical me would have said that there's no such thing or person. i had been so sure before that no guy could ever be like that. but i am so glad that i'm wrong.
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