Living a Life of Your Own Design

I am person of no luck at all. I have proven that several times in my life. When I was a kid, I had to work to be an honor student to get a pair of skates or a brick game. In college, I had to be frugal with my Php 500 a week allowance. That amount has to cover for 3 meals a day, projects, phone credits and fare. Then I had to work part-time to have an amount for enrollment.

I had to work harder than everyone else. Like now, I have been a trainer for more than 3 years and the people I've mentored are now training supervisors or are earning much more than I did.

Everything that I have and I had is a product of hard work, sweat and blood. I have no luck at all. And I refuse to believe in destiny, because if I do, it only means that I have resigned to being like this forever.

The clock stopper said that he has noticed my lack of luck. Everything I do is calculated, carefully thought of. When I fail at something, I don't rely on luck nor prayers to have it fixed. I do something to fix it. He also said that I am living a life of my own design. My own decisions. My own doing.

It is a euphemistic way of looking at it. I am happy that he sees it that way. However, I am wishing and praying that I could get lucky just once. Just once... I would like to breathe and say that I got what I want and deserve, and I didn't have to lose a finger or break my back getting it.

Alone

I feel so alone now...

I should be sleeping now, but I know that when I wake up, I'll still be alone.

Harana

I have always like this song from Parokya ni Edgar. It talks about how a guy sings to his loved one through a serenade. It's something I haven't experienced. Heck, I haven't been courted yet in my 28 years of existence!

I find it romantic when a guy would bring you flowers and chocolates. Although I have received flowers and peanut kisses from 'Michael' (talked about him in 2006 archive), I haven't really experienced the courtship stage. The relationships I had were always almost instantaneous: you like me, I like you, now we are dating. I haven't been wooed. I haven't experienced that kilig factor when a guy knocks on your door with a bunch of flowers.

I know that it almost does not happen anymore these days. However, it would be nice if someone would like you that much to really pursue you. I guess this will just be part of the list I can't tick off and say "Completed!"

The New Me?

It's a wonder how I used to analyze the reason I wasn't married yet. That was when I was still 24 years old or 25. I know I wasn't ready to get married then but I have always wondered why all my friends have settled down and I'm the only one left standing. When we were in college, my best friends would say that I would be the first person in the four of us who will get married.

And yes, I dreamed of it then. White picket fence, a town house, 2 kids, 2 cars, a loving husband.

But now, it seems like I am afraid to get married. When I think about it, I cringe. It seems... unappetizing.

I don't know what happened.

I Need To Feel More

I read my old blog. I never knew I could be that creative. My heart felt each pain and happiness I felt. I was vulnerable then. I was never afraid to try. I may have cried a lot before, but I think the crying was my strength. I had no walls. I was full of life.

Now every where I turn, I see walls. I feel hollow. I am an empty shell of who I was 3 or 4 years ago...

Curl up and Cry

I am so upset. I just want to curl up and cry.

I would like to remind my future self that this is the nth time that I've been hurt because I thought that a friend would be like me who would fight for a friend. She fell short and now I'm upset.

Next time, I should not expect people to be or act like me.

Change

Everything has changed. Day after day, I'm slipping away from the reality I know. It might not be the reality that other people face everyday, but it's mine and I'm used to it. The reality of waking up 3 to 4 hours before my start of my work, arriving there an hour before. The reality of breathing the aroma of Cafe Americano every single working day. The reality of dressing up, looking sharp in the eyes of clients, bosses, colleagues and trainees but trying to stay focused in my mind. The reality of knowing that the end time of your shift is not the end of your work day. I miss my reality. I miss the adrenaline, the controversy, the emotion and the action.

Yes, I am unemployed.

quotes

the joy of having a gift is not really on the gift itself, but on the fact that the giver thought about what to give you, made an effort on thinking of what you want.

a flower given to a girl is of no purpose if the giver just gave it because she asked for it.

8 days before I turn 25

Since I returned from my Christmas vacation, I feel like I don't have life outside work. When I wake up, I go straight to work. When I get out of the office, I go straight home.

When I'm in the pensive mood, I often get irritated by how life is. Before, I refused a marriage proposal because I thought I was still young and there are a lot of things that could happen to my life. Now, I'm almost 25 and finding it hard to settle down. I have friends who vowed never to get married and just get herself pregnant to have a baby. But now, she's married and she doesn't have a kid yet. And I, who dreamt of having my own family, am still very much single and only had 1 serious relationship ever. The exes are coming back now but they didn't come back when I wanted them to.

Grrr... Is this what they call the midlife crisis?

24 turning 25

About 2 months from now, I will be turning 25 years old. 25 is a scary age for me. It means that you just have 5 years more to be 30; 5 years is just a very short time.

I may have become a trainer at the age of 24 (and that's still young), and I may be happy with my life now, but there's something that I still failed to do. And that is to have one single relationship that I can be proud of. I never had a normal loving relationship, not even once. All relationships I had either started out wrong and ended wrong or could be considered non-existent.

My very first boyfriend was from Davao whom I've never seen in person. I had a boyfriend who disappeared after I said, "Yes! I'll be your girlfriend." I had another who was hated by my friends and family and who left me for another girl. I had one who only meets me once or twice a month, and I didn't even get to know any of his friends and family members.

I'm worried. I'm going to be 25 soon and yet I still haven't experienced how it is to be a normal girlfriend. Yes, I want that. I want to go shopping with a boyfriend, watch movies with him, have dinner with his family, have a drink with his friends and see him more than once in a week.

I want to be normal.

ulan na sad

nag-ulan na sad. maayo pa ang kalangitan kay wala siya'y bale kung kinsa ang mureklamo na mutulo na ang luha, dili siya maulaw kung sobra na ang banaw tungod sa iya. bisan unsaon nako ug pamisti na nabasa na sad akong nilabhan ug dili ko kauli ug tarong sa akong kuwarto nga gamay, wala gyud siya papugong. wala pa ggyud na siya'y ulaw kay paghuman sa ulan, usahay musidlak ang adlaw na pagka-anindot. murag wala lay nahitabo.

nganong ang tawo bisan unsa na kasakit sa gibati, bisan nangatangtang na ang ngipon sa pagkagut, kinahanglan man pugngan ang tulo sa luha? kani mahitabo ilabina sa mga lugar na daghang tawo. ulaw ihilak. usahay bati-on nato na huyang kaayo 'ta kung di ta kapugong sa hilak. sakit na kaayo imong dughan. ang sakit mura ka ug kapila giduslak ug pinuti.

kung dili na gyud kapugong, mu-adto sa banyo ug muhilak sa hilom. usahay, pugngan lang, unya pag-abot sa balay, didto ipa-anod tanan. muhilak sa kahilom ug kangitngit... hangtud makatulog.

pero sa sunod nga adlaw, mao ra gihapon ang gibati. nagbitbit ra gihapon sa kasakit. wala'y nakabalo, pero sa sulod sa imong pagkatawo naghinay-hinay na ka ug kalunod.

wedding bells and wedding dreams

i was supposed to render an hour of pre-shift overtime today but i was too lazy again to get up from my bed. so the 1 hour OT decreased to 30 minutes OT.

my life has been boring again these past few weeks. from work, i go home. i, then, either watch a movie with a dvd i bought from guadalupe, or read a mushy tagalog novel. sounds like a routine of a spinster huh? maybe that's the road that i'm involuntarily taking. being a spinster. and that could be a very surprising route in the eyes of my friends and people who know me. my college friends even expected me to be the first one who will get married in our circle. shockingly, two of my friends got married (of course, before I do). one of them even said that she won't get married and she would just have herself impregnated. but that was, of course, when we were a lot younger.

perhaps, i am still young. hehehe... i would want to enjoy movies, 'baduy' novels and being alone. maybe it's more fun to be bored alone that to be bored with someone.

of marriage and desperation

it's already easter sunday but i haven't been to the church since... i don't remember. i know i should but i haven't felt religious the past few months. i know, it isn't supposed to be just a 'feeling'. it's supposed to be your duty to thank the person up there. there shouldn't be an excuse. i don't have one. so, let's not talk about it.

peejee, one of the few friends i have, had already said her marriage vows in front of a judge recently. lizzie, another friend, went to the states last year and got married there. good for them. in a woman's life, we are already at the marrying age anyway.

however, when i think about marriage in my life, it's somewhat like an unreachable dream. it's not like an alien situation or a strange event for me since my mom is a wedding coordinator. i've been to a lot of weddings, i've tried a lot of bridal gowns, i've read a lot of vows, and i've eaten wedding cakes of different flavors. it's just that 'marriage' is something that's so near yet so far in my life. so near because it has always been a part of my life. so far because it's never me at the altar. perhaps, the husband-to-be is still missing. hahaha!

you might smell desperation. maybe i am? or maybe it's just a tinge of wonder that people normally have. but then again, maybe i'm just envious

crazy again

i'm crazy, i know. i wish somebody would bring me to a psychiatrist. this was just last night (the cutting). and the memory is still fresh. it didn't hurt really. it's actually addictive. every time i slice, somehow i forget the pain that i feel inside. every cut helps me breathe fully. every cut makes me smile. bitterly, i suppose.

they said i'm strong. they said i could make it. they said i'll be okay. do you think the same?

Desperation

How should a person who has only P20 in her pocket feel? People around her would say, "Don't lose hope. You can find a part-time job and then keep up." Others would say, "Yeah, that sucks. Why are you in that situation? you have a job, right?" And after you explain to them what happened, they just tell you to hang on until payday comes or until help comes. Hang on? How can you hang on to P20? How can you do that when your problem is how you can eat and survive?

Of course, a person is grateful for all the advice. But she can never eat those bits of advice. Don't they realize that the person they are talking to already knows those things? Oh yes, they are sympathetic. They would go as far as telling the person that they do understand and know how difficult the situation is. But that's all there is, empty words of sympathy.

Yes, I am desperate. My mind is thinking of selling myself. That should be easy. Many women have done it. It's just a matter of conditioning the mind. If I start doing it, I would solve a lot of problems. I wouldn't think of where to find money for food and for fare. I would not hesitate to try out a new posh restaurant. I could send more money for Kishni and get to see him anytime I want. I could buy him cute clothes that I so want to see him on. I could send money to my relatives who are always asking for financial help. I could go to Boracay or Bohol where my friends and I planned to go this December. I could buy my family a new TV in place of our sick TV which needs a smack everytime. I could give Kishni a decent birthday celebration. I could do many things. But can I do it? I'm too much of a coward.

Another option is to kill myself. I just bought a shiny Gilette (is that the spelling?) blade at the store in front of the boarding house. I know it's not a solution but it can end all things. I would not think of what to eat. I would not think of how I will get money to send home. I would not think. PERIOD. It's just simple anyway. I've attempted before, just not successful. Nobody care. Nobody knocks in my room. Nobody would know until I'm already drained of blood. However, I would not beable to see Kishni anymore. But That really doesn't matter, does it? I'm already dead. I would not feel. I would not think.

Yes, this is desperation. No matter how much I cry and shout for help, nobody seems to hear. Maybe if I'd die, they'll hear my silence. But I am just a coward. Can I face death?

man of my dreams

a friend asked me about the qualities that i'm looking for in a guy. here's my answer:

with dignity and principles. someone who's completely in love with me and who completes me. he should love movies.. sweet, smart. someone who cares about other people but not what they say. he must be someone i can learn from... insatiable in bed but only with me. someone does not always say he's sorry, but when he does, he really means it. someone romantic. someone who can surprise me with breakfast in bed one morning, or flowers delivered to the office without any occasion at all. someone who's not afraid to hold my hand in the public. someone who loves to eat anything that i cook. someone who is responsible but can be carefree..

i can describe him to you down to the smallest detail. kaso, the man im describing is ideal, ergo existing only in my mind.

hooked in slashes...

i'm already afraid. i'm already afraid that i would completely lose my sanity.

as you know, i'm always alone. yesterday, i didn't go out of my room. i didn't eat, i didn't drink water, just 2 trips to the restroom. i was hooked into slashing my wrist with a blade. i keep on running the blade on my skin, the same spot over and over. the pain i felt was addictive. sweet burning sensation... and then you see the blood, pure red. and the smell, like rust. then i made a hit over it again.

the pain was wonderful, so physical. made me forget of the pain i felt inside. really addictive, i'd do it again to night.

buloy

i'm listening to 'buloy', a song from parokya ni edgar. buloy just seems to describe me. i'm projecting an image that i am strong. i used to think that i know better than them. i used to show them that i'm okay and i'm happy. when they know i have a problem, they would always have that confidence that i can make it.

but they don't now that i'm crushed, that i've always wanted to end it all, that i'm drowning in tears, that i'm hurting, that i feel so alone, that i've always considered suicide to be a friend... and he's the only friend i have right now. the only person there for me.

bleak is everything. i want to just curl on my bed... see blood.

sinkin'

day by day i feel myself get consumed into darkness and oblivion. inch by inch, i sink into the depths of depression and loneliness. too much pain. i am unable to scream. i ask the heavens, "why? what now?" then i realize i am just asking myself. i feel myself sink deeper and deeper.

no one is there, only silence and nothingness. but my mind is shouting. my heart is exploding. i can't bear the pain anymore. maybe if i stop struggling and dive deeper, i can find what i'm looking for, what i'm needing.

strong?

that's what's shitty about it... people think of me strong. that i can handle everything. that i can fight my own battles and fight other people's battles. in effect, i become alone. alone in everything that i do and alone in solving my probs. in effect, my friends only come to me when they need me, never really thinking that im having problems too. and yes, i help them. it's fucking tiring to be strong.