Passion For English

So I decided to put up a site. I'm not sure if it's going to work, but I sure do hope so. While I'm developing materials for it, I discovered that I was focused and determined. I even forget to eat or drink water when I'm in the zone. I even installed Articulate eLearning Tools to make my materials "nicer". Although the software looks user friendly, I'm still learning how to use the it. Maybe making training materials is my thing.

Oh well, if I win the lottery, I think I won't stop developing the website and training materials.

I'm getting sidetracked. Here's the link to the website:

Passion For English
http://love4english.webs.com

If you notice an error or have some suggestions, please let me know.

English Is a Funny Language

They say "Necessity breeds creativity.". I say, "Desperation forces ingenuity."

When people are trapped in a corner and they have to come up with something to survive, our adrenalin pumps over edge and we either do something stupid or really brilliant. Most of the time brilliant.

And yes, I am desperate. I am trapped in a corner. However, I can't say I will do something brilliant. This may be really really stupid. I have decided to teach English online, as an ESL tutor.

It's a horror! I just heard a creepy background music. I swear! Don't get me wrong. I love the English language. That's why I wanted to be a journalist in the first place and probably ended up as a writer for ESL materials before. However, I've never tried having a job outside of the corporate world. The thought of doing something new scares me.

So I brushed up on the rudiments of the English language and I stumbled across this funny poem:

Indeed, fish, crabs and shrimps are called seafood. But if they come from a stream, river or lake, will they still be called as such?

Hold On or Let Go?

My Philosophy professor said that there are only 2 premises in a relationship. The first premise is to hold on. I imagined that this would be metaphorically grabbing on to something while a very strong wind tries to blow you away. Just like the scene from Twister when Helen Hunt held on to a pipe while a tornado passes by. This means that there's no need to hold on to something if here's no threat to blow you away or take something away from you.

The second is to let go. This is when you don't feel that there's no hope and you just release your grip and say goodbye. Or maybe this is when you want to save the person you love just like how the father cut his rope in Cliff Hanger.

The problem is when to let go or when to keep on holding on. See, my professor never really explained this. When and how does a person really know? Do you let go when you think that all hope is lost? Do you keep on holding on even if it hurts, as long as you see even a tiny spark of hope?

Living a Life of Your Own Design

I am person of no luck at all. I have proven that several times in my life. When I was a kid, I had to work to be an honor student to get a pair of skates or a brick game. In college, I had to be frugal with my Php 500 a week allowance. That amount has to cover for 3 meals a day, projects, phone credits and fare. Then I had to work part-time to have an amount for enrollment.

I had to work harder than everyone else. Like now, I have been a trainer for more than 3 years and the people I've mentored are now training supervisors or are earning much more than I did.

Everything that I have and I had is a product of hard work, sweat and blood. I have no luck at all. And I refuse to believe in destiny, because if I do, it only means that I have resigned to being like this forever.

The clock stopper said that he has noticed my lack of luck. Everything I do is calculated, carefully thought of. When I fail at something, I don't rely on luck nor prayers to have it fixed. I do something to fix it. He also said that I am living a life of my own design. My own decisions. My own doing.

It is a euphemistic way of looking at it. I am happy that he sees it that way. However, I am wishing and praying that I could get lucky just once. Just once... I would like to breathe and say that I got what I want and deserve, and I didn't have to lose a finger or break my back getting it.

So Called "Friends"

I am tired of pretenders. Those who pretend to be friends and asking how I am when they don't really care or do anything even if you're dying. They just want to ask how you are to feel good with themselves and delude their minds into thinking that they are good friends.

It would be much better not to say anything at all. Ignore the suffering person. Just don't make a mistake in saying that you are a friend. Because if you do, you better call yourself "hypocrite".

Yes, I am angry and sad. I can never stop measuring others with my own standards. I can never stop getting disappointed and hurt.

I know what I did for friends and what I can still do for a friend. I can be there for a friend with complete and utter disregard for my own personal safety. Maybe when I get rich enough, I will clone myself.

Shit Happened

I'm going to die soon. Of starvation. I never thought someone can die of that in the Metro.

But I will. It may be better to just put a bullet in my head. Heck, I couldn't even afford a bullet.

Why is it that nobody can be there for me when I try to be there for everybody? Even if I only have 200 left, I still lend the 100 to a friend who needs it. It's ironic.

Every Time You Say "I Love You"

When I remember you say "I love you", I smile.
I smile because I could not only hear the words
But I can also see the love in your eyes.
They speak to me. It's intense.

You thought I would not hear your murmur.
You thought I would not listen to your whisper.
You thought I could not feel those kisses.
You thought I could not sense your stares.

I get blind. I get deaf.
With the look of love that you give me
With the sweetness of those words
Oh, help me but I love going blind and deaf

From your voice, your touch, and the passion in your eyes
I would happily drown and get lost in your arms
This is dangerous, I know.
But my heart sings and soars as my reply.

Babaeng Torpe

It has been so easy for me to talk about ideas or processes. I have proven that several times when I talk to clients or explain a topic to my trainees. Client can even hear the passion that I have for my job through my voice. I speak in front of people with passion.

(Now this is not bragging because what I will say next is definitely embarrassing.)

However, to people who matter, I do have a hard time expressing myself orally. I can write letters, yes, but I can't find my tongue when I have to respond to an "I love you."

I just noticed this impediment and I'm not proud of it. When the clock stopper told me that he loves me, I just raised my eyebrows and with a dumb expression I said, "Ha?" Whenever he tells me that this is the first time he has been very happy in a long time, my mind tries to catch words floating in the air with a net with huge holes. I can't talk. When he told me that he loves me for the second time, he had to say, "No response at all?" before I replied in a very small voice, "I love you too."

I do love him. I am crazy in love with him. My heart flutters when I hear his words. When I asked him, "What would you do if magsawa ka na sa akin?" He said, "I can't give you an answer. It's like, people not preparing for flying elephants' shit. How can I prepare for something that is impossible?" When he asked me a similar thing but more like a request, "Please tell me if magsasawa ka na sa akin, okay?" I just nodded and after a few seconds I said, "I doubt if that will happen."

I don't know how to tell him when he's in front of me. It comes so easy if I can write it down. I don't even have to edit it but it's just easy for my brain to work if it's written down. If I say it, I just open my mouth without any word coming out at all.

Yes, ako ay isang babaeng torpe.

3 Separate Thoughts

1. The clock stopper murmured, "I love you". Then he asked, "Did you hear that?" My answer? "Huh?"

I wasn't able to react! I didn't even hear him clearly and wasn't sure if I heard him right. Did I lose the "moment"? Is there such thing as a "perfect moment" when two people express their feelings at a moment when there seems to be music in the background and butterflies flying around, just like in the movies?

Oh well, I could not even say a word to respond. I am the female counterpart for guys' "torpe".

2. I miss my blog. My Internet has been disconnected and I don't really have the chance now to have it reconnected. I miss whining and bitching out.

3. I am quitting my job today. Finally! Wish me luck, y'all! I will rest and restore my health. Then, I'll embark on a fresh journey, perhaps in a different company or with a small business I've been thinking about.

My IQ Dropped 10 Points

I would like to believe I'm smart. Let's just say that I am for the benefit of this entry. *wink*

People say that when smart people fall in love, they become stupid, or at least their IQ drops. I don't think this is actually true. What happens is the person in love feels something he or she cannot logically explain. When this happens, it stirs up the rational mind. The person does something he or she isn't inclined to do on a normal basis. Oh, this act has been thought of several times. Too much thinking actually that leads to arriving on a logical explanation to do it. The logical explanation isn't the reason for the act, but is being used as a band aid to the rational mind, so it would stop thinking about why the person is doing this unnatural act.

This has to be done, you know. Or the urge to do something or express something would not stop. Believe me, it's annoying to try to dismiss something that you feel. I've tried it before and it was damn hard to suppress it. It's like having a heart attack while trying to smile and act normal.

Apparently, I was really good at masking how I felt. Poker face, they say. Nevertheless, I felt like Fedor and Henderson were fighting inside me. Slowly, the urge to tell him how I felt got out and finally won. When this irrational side wins, the rational mind can only provide support and apply logic into the action or actions that may have been done or may still be done.

Just like what I'm doing now. Trying so hard to rationalize what's happening to me.

The Perfect Drug

I told clock stopper that he is an addictive drug. Then he said that he doesn't want to be narcotic and that I should look up The Perfect Drug by Nine Inch Nails.

He is definitely my perfect drug. I told him that and he doesn't want it because of the last 2 lines of the song.

"Without you, everything just falls apart
It's not much fun to pick up the pieces."

I assured him that I will be fine and that I am a big girl. He said that drugs are fake and he is not.

He may not be fake. But he is still not real for me. He can't be real in my world. He is a dream that I know will never come true. I know this reality but I can't help but fall fast and hard. I can't grab any branch or rail to stop myself from falling.

Clock Stopper Mania

I had a bad case of hyper-acidity yesterday and had to stay home and not go to work. The clock stopper dropped by and brought me food.

Before he arrived and amidst the pain I felt, I had the urge to hug him tight and kiss him hard when he arrives. I didn't get to do that though. I was trying to keep my cool and control what I was doing. I was able to stop myself from embarrassment but there is a wrestling match in me between embracing the chaos and controlling everything.

He still has not failed making me feel a lot of things. I feel like a high school girl with a first crush. I stutter when I speak, I savor every moment he holds my hand, I drink his smell, I can't stop smiling when I'm with him. These are the stupid unusual behaviors that I hate to do but can't stop doing.

I seriously have to compartmentalize moments in my life and I would have to file these moments to the dream file, not to my reality file of work, coffee and stress. I really have to make sure he doesn't get into my system and mix everything up. It's so much easier to end this if it's tucked away in an archive of wonderful-moments-but-do-not-really-mean-anything.

This is me rationalizing. The moment with him is not real. He is not real. I will allow myself this wonderful dream and someday soon, I will have to disappear. My mind knows that I am going to get seriously hurt if I don't stop seeing him. However, my heart, somehow, just dives into it. I cannot stop. But I will. When the time comes.

I love my life as it is, but he is like a drug I cannot refuse. I love my job and I love the challenges that go with it. I can feel my old life starting to crumble and shake while he is getting in it. I feel afraid, but I feel so much alive when he is in my life. He is chaos.

The House Feels Empty

My best friend from Australia, dropped by Manila before flying back to Brisbane. She arrived last Friday and it had been awesome every single minute. We reminisced our experiences in college, how we were almost killed by a raging jeepney in front of our school, how we used to get drunk and the crazy stuff we did, and how we were so different yet so similar.

She told me that I have a way of choosing men/boys. She surmised that I chose those who can never be a husband. She said I was unconsciously avoiding full commitment. LOL Maybe she's right. I'm not really sure.

We didn't really do a lot of things nor go to a lot of places. Hanging out with her was already pleasure and relaxation. I wanted to take her to a lot of places. However, we were not able to because of financial challenges.

I don't really know when we will see each other again, but I'm hoping that she gets to come home before her church wedding. I am hoping too that I get to Australia for the ceremony. She said that she can only think of me when she's trying to think of who the maid of honor should be. i should start saving now. ;)

Anyway, she "predicted" that when the time comes that I have to go to Brisbane, I would have found somebody who is perfect for me. I laughed. I hope that guy can pay for his own ticket to Australia, because I will definitely stay with my best friend for a month.

So I brought her to the airport and she should be in the plane at this specific moment, waiting for it to take off.

I loved every moment of it, bai. I missed you so much and I am missing you now. The house feels so empty without your laugh and crazy psychological analyses.

Thank you for the gift of your presence. Enjoy your flight and behave in the plane. I love you, bai!

Idle Mind

I have a lot of thoughts today. First, I really want to focus on nude photography this time. I want to master it. I still love taking photos of the things around me but doing nude photography allows me to do the drama I want to see in photos.

Now the problem is getting a model. Hmmmm...

----------------------------------------

So I want to see someone again. I was hoping he would take me to the zoo today. (Yes, I haven't been to a zoo my entire life. It's embarrassing.) However, I'm not that excited to go to the zoo. I am more excited and anxious to see him again.

I saw a shooting star last night and yes, I wished for him. He woke my passion. I wish to keep it awake all the time. I wish to feel hunger for a kiss every waking hour. I wish to feel the tingle down my spine every time he kisses my shoulders and my neck. I wish to feel butterflies in my stomach when he stares at me.

Just Wrong

Falling for you is just wrong, completely and utterly wrong.

This is the time that I need to rationalize this feeling. This is the time that I should be unfeeling. I have to be smart about this.

But what can I do? A smile creeps up my face when I think about you. I involuntarily dance when I hear from you. I hear my heat skip a beat when I remember how you stare at me. My rational mind stops thinking and my heart starts feeling when it's about you.

This is just so wrong, so wrong.

You Stop the Clock

You stop the clock. I do not know how you do it. But every single time I see you, the world stops and you happen. I just feel. I do not remember to think. So you were wrong when you told me that I am unfeeling.

When I'm with you, I feel like myself and at the same time, more than how I see myself. I have tried rediscovering myself alone, but you make it easy when I'm with you.

Alone

I feel so alone now...

I should be sleeping now, but I know that when I wake up, I'll still be alone.

Harana

I have always like this song from Parokya ni Edgar. It talks about how a guy sings to his loved one through a serenade. It's something I haven't experienced. Heck, I haven't been courted yet in my 28 years of existence!

I find it romantic when a guy would bring you flowers and chocolates. Although I have received flowers and peanut kisses from 'Michael' (talked about him in 2006 archive), I haven't really experienced the courtship stage. The relationships I had were always almost instantaneous: you like me, I like you, now we are dating. I haven't been wooed. I haven't experienced that kilig factor when a guy knocks on your door with a bunch of flowers.

I know that it almost does not happen anymore these days. However, it would be nice if someone would like you that much to really pursue you. I guess this will just be part of the list I can't tick off and say "Completed!"

Pretty Woman

I watched Pretty Woman again. I don't think I will ever get enough of that movie.


It's a wonderful Cinderella story that girls can relate with. Most of us are waiting for that man who would need help with a mundane task. A man who can both be a knight and a king. A man who has almost everything. A man who treats every woman with respect. A man who has worked and made his own money. A man who finds charm in a girl's big laugh. A man who feels a hole when you're not in his life.


Richard Geer's character made me want to jump into the movie and be Vivian (Julia Robert's character). I wish it were real. I wish I were the girl.


She said, "This whole experience changed me. Now, I want the fairy tale." I want the fairy tale too.

Trigger Mania!

So I'm going to shoot again. This sends tingles down my spine.

It's like falling in love with somebody years ago when what you did was just give everything. There's a bit of reciprocation but you just drifted apart. You know deep in your heart that you still have feelings but it just happened. Then suddenly, you get the chance of meeting him again.

This is how giddy I feel now. I'm excited and I can't stop smiling with the anticipation.

I just hope the weather permits me to have at least a short "encounter" with photography tomorrow.

The New Me?

It's a wonder how I used to analyze the reason I wasn't married yet. That was when I was still 24 years old or 25. I know I wasn't ready to get married then but I have always wondered why all my friends have settled down and I'm the only one left standing. When we were in college, my best friends would say that I would be the first person in the four of us who will get married.

And yes, I dreamed of it then. White picket fence, a town house, 2 kids, 2 cars, a loving husband.

But now, it seems like I am afraid to get married. When I think about it, I cringe. It seems... unappetizing.

I don't know what happened.

Chocolates!

I used to like Hershey's when I was a kid. Then in high school and college, I fell in love with Meiji. While still in love with Meiji, I found out that cheating with Lindt was and still is addictive and exciting.

I Need To Feel More

I read my old blog. I never knew I could be that creative. My heart felt each pain and happiness I felt. I was vulnerable then. I was never afraid to try. I may have cried a lot before, but I think the crying was my strength. I had no walls. I was full of life.

Now every where I turn, I see walls. I feel hollow. I am an empty shell of who I was 3 or 4 years ago...

Opie

I didn't believe in destiny. I always thought that a person has their specific journey and destination because of the decisions made in every twist and turn. But somehow, fate would interfere and place a very interesting thing at the side of the taken road.

When I was a little kid, perhaps 7 or 8 years old, there was an older kid in our neighborhood who kept pestering me. His name is Opie. He was grown up boy who was 9 years older than me. He had always tried catching me to hug me. And regardless if he caught me, he always said that he will wait for me without a care in the world on who heard him. "Hulaton taka ha?", that's what I remember him say.

I was a naive little girl then, but already wary of the danger of believing what he said. I would always find ways to avoid him, trying to find an opening to slip through him. I always tried to wiggle away from his embrace despite the weird pleasant feeling while in his arms. I was annoyed by his antics and I clawed my way out from his embrace. But I always felt excited about the attention and the anticipation of his warmth. I could hear my heart beat so fast and loud when I see him. When I think about the possibility of him doing the same thing to another girl, I always try to dismiss it. I could have sworn that I even thought about not ever speaking to him if he hugs another girl. With those 2 years of patintero, I had always felt special. I was secretly and pleasantly excited about him catching me.

It did happen. He was hugging another girl. He stopped catching me. It wasn't just a girl, though. She was someone who was as old as him. She was so beautiful and smart, and I knew that she was the one for him.

Although my heart was breaking into pieces, I couldn't tell anyone. I was afraid that they would laugh at me for really hoping that what he said would be true.

(to be continued)

The SUN Experience

Let me tell you how I got upset over nothing. And yes, I only write when I'm upset.

I had planned to get a postpaid phone line since last year to make my life easier. Of course, this is because I am too lazy to get phone cards. When I run out of phone credit, it usually takes 2 to 3 days for me to diligently remember to buy a card. And when I buy, I buy 2 to 4 cards to make my trip to the convenience store (at the ground floor of the building where I work) worth it. And when I still have cards to use but the phone runs out of credit, I find it too much of an effort to scratch the card and key in the numbers.

Yes, I am lazy. This is the reason that I have come to my senses to get a postpaid line. This way, I don't have to worry about getting phone credits every once in a while and I can pay when I go the mall. Pretty convenient... or so I thought.

So I visited the Sun Cellular Shop in SM Marikina. The girl I asked told me that I need a proof of income which can be a month's worth of payslip, and a bill. So that week, I got he requirements ready and the guy who serviced me said that I lack my Certificate of Employment or an ITR. I guess customer service girl just forgot about it. The next week, I had my COE ready and visited the branch again to submit my requirements. The person who assisted me had me fill out the application form and another form which asked for 3 contact persons. He specifically said that the contact numbers should either be landline numbers or Sun numbers. I told him I only have 2 people I can think of and he said that 2 people are enough. He gave me the expectation that it will be processed within 2 to 3 days.

That was a Sunday. The next day, I received a text message from the branch saying that they are processing it. So I expected that I should be getting word from them on Wednesday that week. While I waited, I was too excited to get their service knowing that it would have all that I need including unlimited Internet Service. I urged my colleagues to get the same service since we use Yahoo messenger in the office. It would be fun and convenient for us. I got three people interested and they wanted to see the phone and the service when I get it.

Wednesday came and I never heard from them. I kept calling the number they used to text me and no one answers. That night I received a text message asking for "sufficient proof of income and secondary contact person". I replied saying that I gave all of those things to them. Nobody replied so I went to their branch that Thursday to clear it up and get answers. The Sun guy said that they had a mistake on the POI and that it was sufficient enough. What they just need was another contact person with a "Sun postpaid line" or a "Sun landline" and that their head office must have a hard time contacting one person I've provided. I told him that I don't know such person. The people I know just have Globe or Smart subscriptions. So he asked me to give other contact numbers for the contact persons I provided. He also promised that I will hear from them within 24 hours on the result.

Somebody called me while having lunch last Saturday who asked me if I can provide another name with a Sun Postpaid Line or landline under his or her name. Of course, I do not know such person. Being in the BPO industry, most people I work with do not have landline and some of them just have Globe or Smart phone lines. This "Yuri" or "Yani" guy said that it's the only way he can help me. I was pissed. They didn't even bother to tell me this important bit of information when I filled out forms. It has been six days and they didn't make a progress on anything. I can't magically produce a friend with a Sun Postpaid line.

Then another person from their "head office" called and said that they will just deal with what they have and that she will have me contacted by the branch to either update me on the progress or let me know if the phone was ready to be picked up. She promised me that this should happen before 4pm on that same day. But I gave them until 7pm so that they would have enough time. I told her that if there's no change, I will pull out my application and retrieve my documents. I even suggested that they deal with the quality of customer service. (How nice of me!) I could not understand how they can offer such service to college student just by asking for their IDs and they ask for an impossiblity from me. Maybe they think that half of the population in the Philippines have Sun Postpaid.

A guy from Sun Shop SM Marikina indeed called before 4pm. Guess what, there was still no progress. He told me the same thing, "They are still processing my application." I told him that it's okay since he still has until 7pm to tell me something I don't know. Nobody contacted me after that.

So today, I marched to the Sun Shop of SM Marikina. The Sun asked me what "Yuri/Yani" told me over the phone the other day. Can he not contact the "Yuri/Yani" guy? How the hell can I answer that question? Do they not have means of communication in that company? He then escalated my concern to a woman who seemed to have a higher position. The woman asked me again if I know a person with Sun Postpaid line. I am certainly fed up with that question. I asked if she can just call their head office and ask her questions to them. She came back to me and told me the same thing. "They are processing it."

I am through getting frustrated and pissed off. I asked for my documents to pull out my application and got out of that place.

If they cannot approve my application because I do not know a person who's a Sun subscriber, then they should have done so in 3 days. I would have been more appreciative. I did not need the frustration and certainly, I do not want to train them on customer service.

This is the worst that I have experienced and nobody deserves such hassle. I do hope that they clean up their act before every Sun subscriber realizes what they're paying for.

As for me, I am getting a Globe or Smart sim to replace my prepaid Sun sim. Or maybe, I'll get a postpaid line but certainly not from Sun. I can't believe I yearned to get their service and even planned to replace my Bayan Broadband with Sun Broadband.