i'm crazy, i know. i wish somebody would bring me to a psychiatrist. this was just last night (the cutting). and the memory is still fresh. it didn't hurt really. it's actually addictive. every time i slice, somehow i forget the pain that i feel inside. every cut helps me breathe fully. every cut makes me smile. bitterly, i suppose.
they said i'm strong. they said i could make it. they said i'll be okay. do you think the same?
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Desperation
How should a person who has only P20 in her pocket feel? People around her would say, "Don't lose hope. You can find a part-time job and then keep up." Others would say, "Yeah, that sucks. Why are you in that situation? you have a job, right?" And after you explain to them what happened, they just tell you to hang on until payday comes or until help comes. Hang on? How can you hang on to P20? How can you do that when your problem is how you can eat and survive?
Of course, a person is grateful for all the advice. But she can never eat those bits of advice. Don't they realize that the person they are talking to already knows those things? Oh yes, they are sympathetic. They would go as far as telling the person that they do understand and know how difficult the situation is. But that's all there is, empty words of sympathy.
Yes, I am desperate. My mind is thinking of selling myself. That should be easy. Many women have done it. It's just a matter of conditioning the mind. If I start doing it, I would solve a lot of problems. I wouldn't think of where to find money for food and for fare. I would not hesitate to try out a new posh restaurant. I could send more money for Kishni and get to see him anytime I want. I could buy him cute clothes that I so want to see him on. I could send money to my relatives who are always asking for financial help. I could go to Boracay or Bohol where my friends and I planned to go this December. I could buy my family a new TV in place of our sick TV which needs a smack everytime. I could give Kishni a decent birthday celebration. I could do many things. But can I do it? I'm too much of a coward.
Another option is to kill myself. I just bought a shiny Gilette (is that the spelling?) blade at the store in front of the boarding house. I know it's not a solution but it can end all things. I would not think of what to eat. I would not think of how I will get money to send home. I would not think. PERIOD. It's just simple anyway. I've attempted before, just not successful. Nobody care. Nobody knocks in my room. Nobody would know until I'm already drained of blood. However, I would not beable to see Kishni anymore. But That really doesn't matter, does it? I'm already dead. I would not feel. I would not think.
Yes, this is desperation. No matter how much I cry and shout for help, nobody seems to hear. Maybe if I'd die, they'll hear my silence. But I am just a coward. Can I face death?
Of course, a person is grateful for all the advice. But she can never eat those bits of advice. Don't they realize that the person they are talking to already knows those things? Oh yes, they are sympathetic. They would go as far as telling the person that they do understand and know how difficult the situation is. But that's all there is, empty words of sympathy.
Yes, I am desperate. My mind is thinking of selling myself. That should be easy. Many women have done it. It's just a matter of conditioning the mind. If I start doing it, I would solve a lot of problems. I wouldn't think of where to find money for food and for fare. I would not hesitate to try out a new posh restaurant. I could send more money for Kishni and get to see him anytime I want. I could buy him cute clothes that I so want to see him on. I could send money to my relatives who are always asking for financial help. I could go to Boracay or Bohol where my friends and I planned to go this December. I could buy my family a new TV in place of our sick TV which needs a smack everytime. I could give Kishni a decent birthday celebration. I could do many things. But can I do it? I'm too much of a coward.
Another option is to kill myself. I just bought a shiny Gilette (is that the spelling?) blade at the store in front of the boarding house. I know it's not a solution but it can end all things. I would not think of what to eat. I would not think of how I will get money to send home. I would not think. PERIOD. It's just simple anyway. I've attempted before, just not successful. Nobody care. Nobody knocks in my room. Nobody would know until I'm already drained of blood. However, I would not beable to see Kishni anymore. But That really doesn't matter, does it? I'm already dead. I would not feel. I would not think.
Yes, this is desperation. No matter how much I cry and shout for help, nobody seems to hear. Maybe if I'd die, they'll hear my silence. But I am just a coward. Can I face death?
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