those eyes II

there you are again
why are you back?
why are you here?

i do not want to love you
i even want to hate you
i even want to stay away

but your stare drowns me
i resist to go deeper
i resist to be weak

this is madness, i know
love? it cannot be
love? it should not be

but one glance i melt
of touch that never was
of whisper never heard

your look of sweet gentleness
it reaches my soul
it touches my heart

oh help, i cannot fall
deeper into that gaze
deeper for those eyes

knight vs king

The old cliche says, "If you love somebody, set him/her free." Is it really a show of how much you love a person when you set him/her free? As a pragmatist, I would say, it depends on the situation. When there isn't really a chance of you to be together, there's no reason for you to still hold on. Like when your loved one migrates to another part of the world and you know there is no chance for you to go and follow her. Like when your loved one is already married. Like when your loved one has just died. In these situations, there's no choice but to let go.

You need to hold on and fight when a 'villain' is just just there to break your relationship. Or when the loved one is only temporarily transferred to another area in the country because of work. Or when you had a quarrel over the lady love's dress.

However, the dreamer in me says that every situation is worth a fight (well, except death and when the loved one wants his/her freedom.) But, of course, there is a time when you really have to let go. I would want my man to fight for me as bravely as I would fight for him. I prefer a warrior or a knight who can fight for me, than a king who can shower me with riches but will think first before fighting for me (if it's for the betterment of the kingdom or it can bring his rule down). A knight/warrior only has me and his principles to fight for. A king has other matters more important than me; he has a kingdom to worry about. I'm not wondering why Guenevere chose Lancelot over King Arthur. Of course, I want a guy who can tell me, "I'll take care of your worries," than a guy who who would tell me, "I'm here to make you smile and forget your troubles."

Maybe I'm too much of a dreamer to yearn for that "knight in shining armor". I want someone who will only let me go after a good fight.

tequila residue

my head is pounding from tequila last night. and my mind doesn't seem to work now.

what happened last night? i went to a party--well, not 'went' because i organized the party. anyway, it was a party for a community i used to belong. it's actually a costume party but naughtier. the costume should be underwear. i invited my friends along, maybe hoping that we'd teach the guys a thing or two. every one started to drink tequila and then, do the body shots. it seems that i can't bear to see my friends being devoured. everything went wild and got out of control. i was already acting like a conservative aunt. ha!

jeez... see the effect of tequila? i can't even tell a decent story. (decent here means 'of an acceptable standard or quality'.) i have an excuse. i am hung over. hmm... or shall i say, i'm still drunk? and i haven't ingested any food yet this day.

no. it's just that i'm not that good in narrating what happened. i seem to be better at writing about what i feel.

now, what am i feeling? let's just say it's a mixture of anger, frustration and depression. go ahead and sprinkle some suicidal thoughts. and viola! i am me.

but honestly, i am just hurt...

buloy

i'm listening to 'buloy', a song from parokya ni edgar. buloy just seems to describe me. i'm projecting an image that i am strong. i used to think that i know better than them. i used to show them that i'm okay and i'm happy. when they know i have a problem, they would always have that confidence that i can make it.

but they don't now that i'm crushed, that i've always wanted to end it all, that i'm drowning in tears, that i'm hurting, that i feel so alone, that i've always considered suicide to be a friend... and he's the only friend i have right now. the only person there for me.

bleak is everything. i want to just curl on my bed... see blood.

Crazy...

yeah, i'm getting crazy. i've been listening to 1 same song over and over. 'crazy for this girl'. i wonder if there still such a guy. She's got me thinking about her constantly --no guy can ever sing this. guys may be in love with a girl but a guy cannot think of her like this... a guy can sometimes be crazy for a girl but he would let his feelings take over him. while girls can always throw caution away.

this is a song i've always been amazed with. so as halaga by paroka ni edgar. i've never met such guy. well maybe i've met him but he's just crazy for another girl... yeah, i've met guys like that. they're just not for me though.

like my dad, he's crazy about my mom even if she's soooo moody. i don't know if he has ever been unfaithful. but so far, i've never seen them fight because my dad has always been patient and understanding. well, my mom is always gracious when it comes to my dad anyway.

those eyes...

those eyes,

so clear, so beautiful

innocent like the child's

mesmerized,

i melt, i ache to touch

that's how i feel when i see them

your stare,

that which makes me blush

i can drown myself in it forever.

the longing,

that's what it tells

of yours and mine, lost forever

'tis ordeal

have you ever felt like crying and then you cannot cry because it's just not the proper place? have you ever wanted to shout and still you can't because doing such will incriminate you? have you ever wanted so much to hate everybody because instead of helping you, they push you down to the drain?

no matter how much i try clawing myself up from the ditch i fell into, i keep on slipping back. it's such bullshit when people try to pretend that they're your friends, that they care. but no. i hate it when they do that. i hate hypocrites. i hate posers. i hate jerks.

i'm fed up again. tired. low batt. i just wish all problems would come in and i'll simply be overwhelmed and just kill myself. that would probably make it simpler.

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someone said that i am a puppeteer and many guys dance at the palm of my hand. i've never really wanted to be a puppeteer, although sometimes it's fun. the puppets are usually those guys who have major flaws in their attitude towards women. most puppets are those jerks whom i cannot resist to simply break and crush. however i don't want to have puppets. the more puppets i have, the more i realize that there are less and less good guys. somehow that thought makes me weaker.

sinkin'

day by day i feel myself get consumed into darkness and oblivion. inch by inch, i sink into the depths of depression and loneliness. too much pain. i am unable to scream. i ask the heavens, "why? what now?" then i realize i am just asking myself. i feel myself sink deeper and deeper.

no one is there, only silence and nothingness. but my mind is shouting. my heart is exploding. i can't bear the pain anymore. maybe if i stop struggling and dive deeper, i can find what i'm looking for, what i'm needing.

this is what you get when you sleep late

i will write about 2 realizations today. well, i already know about them before but these things became highlighted yesterday.

first is about what 3 guys told me, 'lust for one woman can never be satisfied with another woman.' hhhmmmm... that is why guys can never be monogamous. i am not saying that guys should, though i'm only saying that this is the reason why most married men 'sway'. this is just like saying that if you're craving for a siomai, shawarma could never satisfy that. after a few hours that the hunger has been satiated, you start drooling again for siomai. and by the way, it's not the guys. girls, too, suffer this feeling once in a while. there's just this feeling of something for a particular someone that you can never feel with another person. and lusting for someone can happen too, not just the feeling of spark, intensity or electricity.

Next, when a girl wants to find someone permanent, she realizes many things. 1) The good guys are already taken. 2) The good guys who are not taken, do not suit your taste. 3) The good guys who are not taken and who suit your taste find you not suitable for their taste 4) The good guys who are not taken and who suit your taste, find you suitable only for fornication. 5) Then the rest of the guys are either gay or priests. What does a girl do? Would she settle for someone really not satisfactory for her preference? Or would she settle only for the 'temporary' thing?

strong?

that's what's shitty about it... people think of me strong. that i can handle everything. that i can fight my own battles and fight other people's battles. in effect, i become alone. alone in everything that i do and alone in solving my probs. in effect, my friends only come to me when they need me, never really thinking that im having problems too. and yes, i help them. it's fucking tiring to be strong.