I'm going to die soon. Of starvation. I never thought someone can die of that in the Metro.
But I will. It may be better to just put a bullet in my head. Heck, I couldn't even afford a bullet.
Why is it that nobody can be there for me when I try to be there for everybody? Even if I only have 200 left, I still lend the 100 to a friend who needs it. It's ironic.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Every Time You Say "I Love You"
When I remember you say "I love you", I smile.
I smile because I could not only hear the words
But I can also see the love in your eyes.
They speak to me. It's intense.
You thought I would not hear your murmur.
You thought I would not listen to your whisper.
You thought I could not feel those kisses.
You thought I could not sense your stares.
I get blind. I get deaf.
With the look of love that you give me
With the sweetness of those words
Oh, help me but I love going blind and deaf
From your voice, your touch, and the passion in your eyes
I would happily drown and get lost in your arms
This is dangerous, I know.
But my heart sings and soars as my reply.
I smile because I could not only hear the words
But I can also see the love in your eyes.
They speak to me. It's intense.
You thought I would not hear your murmur.
You thought I would not listen to your whisper.
You thought I could not feel those kisses.
You thought I could not sense your stares.
I get blind. I get deaf.
With the look of love that you give me
With the sweetness of those words
Oh, help me but I love going blind and deaf
From your voice, your touch, and the passion in your eyes
I would happily drown and get lost in your arms
This is dangerous, I know.
But my heart sings and soars as my reply.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Babaeng Torpe
It has been so easy for me to talk about ideas or processes. I have proven that several times when I talk to clients or explain a topic to my trainees. Client can even hear the passion that I have for my job through my voice. I speak in front of people with passion.
(Now this is not bragging because what I will say next is definitely embarrassing.)
However, to people who matter, I do have a hard time expressing myself orally. I can write letters, yes, but I can't find my tongue when I have to respond to an "I love you."
I just noticed this impediment and I'm not proud of it. When the clock stopper told me that he loves me, I just raised my eyebrows and with a dumb expression I said, "Ha?" Whenever he tells me that this is the first time he has been very happy in a long time, my mind tries to catch words floating in the air with a net with huge holes. I can't talk. When he told me that he loves me for the second time, he had to say, "No response at all?" before I replied in a very small voice, "I love you too."
I do love him. I am crazy in love with him. My heart flutters when I hear his words. When I asked him, "What would you do if magsawa ka na sa akin?" He said, "I can't give you an answer. It's like, people not preparing for flying elephants' shit. How can I prepare for something that is impossible?" When he asked me a similar thing but more like a request, "Please tell me if magsasawa ka na sa akin, okay?" I just nodded and after a few seconds I said, "I doubt if that will happen."
I don't know how to tell him when he's in front of me. It comes so easy if I can write it down. I don't even have to edit it but it's just easy for my brain to work if it's written down. If I say it, I just open my mouth without any word coming out at all.
Yes, ako ay isang babaeng torpe.
(Now this is not bragging because what I will say next is definitely embarrassing.)
However, to people who matter, I do have a hard time expressing myself orally. I can write letters, yes, but I can't find my tongue when I have to respond to an "I love you."
I just noticed this impediment and I'm not proud of it. When the clock stopper told me that he loves me, I just raised my eyebrows and with a dumb expression I said, "Ha?" Whenever he tells me that this is the first time he has been very happy in a long time, my mind tries to catch words floating in the air with a net with huge holes. I can't talk. When he told me that he loves me for the second time, he had to say, "No response at all?" before I replied in a very small voice, "I love you too."
I do love him. I am crazy in love with him. My heart flutters when I hear his words. When I asked him, "What would you do if magsawa ka na sa akin?" He said, "I can't give you an answer. It's like, people not preparing for flying elephants' shit. How can I prepare for something that is impossible?" When he asked me a similar thing but more like a request, "Please tell me if magsasawa ka na sa akin, okay?" I just nodded and after a few seconds I said, "I doubt if that will happen."
I don't know how to tell him when he's in front of me. It comes so easy if I can write it down. I don't even have to edit it but it's just easy for my brain to work if it's written down. If I say it, I just open my mouth without any word coming out at all.
Yes, ako ay isang babaeng torpe.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
3 Separate Thoughts
1. The clock stopper murmured, "I love you". Then he asked, "Did you hear that?" My answer? "Huh?"
I wasn't able to react! I didn't even hear him clearly and wasn't sure if I heard him right. Did I lose the "moment"? Is there such thing as a "perfect moment" when two people express their feelings at a moment when there seems to be music in the background and butterflies flying around, just like in the movies?
Oh well, I could not even say a word to respond. I am the female counterpart for guys' "torpe".
2. I miss my blog. My Internet has been disconnected and I don't really have the chance now to have it reconnected. I miss whining and bitching out.
3. I am quitting my job today. Finally! Wish me luck, y'all! I will rest and restore my health. Then, I'll embark on a fresh journey, perhaps in a different company or with a small business I've been thinking about.
I wasn't able to react! I didn't even hear him clearly and wasn't sure if I heard him right. Did I lose the "moment"? Is there such thing as a "perfect moment" when two people express their feelings at a moment when there seems to be music in the background and butterflies flying around, just like in the movies?
Oh well, I could not even say a word to respond. I am the female counterpart for guys' "torpe".
2. I miss my blog. My Internet has been disconnected and I don't really have the chance now to have it reconnected. I miss whining and bitching out.
3. I am quitting my job today. Finally! Wish me luck, y'all! I will rest and restore my health. Then, I'll embark on a fresh journey, perhaps in a different company or with a small business I've been thinking about.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
My IQ Dropped 10 Points
I would like to believe I'm smart. Let's just say that I am for the benefit of this entry. *wink*
People say that when smart people fall in love, they become stupid, or at least their IQ drops. I don't think this is actually true. What happens is the person in love feels something he or she cannot logically explain. When this happens, it stirs up the rational mind. The person does something he or she isn't inclined to do on a normal basis. Oh, this act has been thought of several times. Too much thinking actually that leads to arriving on a logical explanation to do it. The logical explanation isn't the reason for the act, but is being used as a band aid to the rational mind, so it would stop thinking about why the person is doing this unnatural act.
This has to be done, you know. Or the urge to do something or express something would not stop. Believe me, it's annoying to try to dismiss something that you feel. I've tried it before and it was damn hard to suppress it. It's like having a heart attack while trying to smile and act normal.
Apparently, I was really good at masking how I felt. Poker face, they say. Nevertheless, I felt like Fedor and Henderson were fighting inside me. Slowly, the urge to tell him how I felt got out and finally won. When this irrational side wins, the rational mind can only provide support and apply logic into the action or actions that may have been done or may still be done.
Just like what I'm doing now. Trying so hard to rationalize what's happening to me.
People say that when smart people fall in love, they become stupid, or at least their IQ drops. I don't think this is actually true. What happens is the person in love feels something he or she cannot logically explain. When this happens, it stirs up the rational mind. The person does something he or she isn't inclined to do on a normal basis. Oh, this act has been thought of several times. Too much thinking actually that leads to arriving on a logical explanation to do it. The logical explanation isn't the reason for the act, but is being used as a band aid to the rational mind, so it would stop thinking about why the person is doing this unnatural act.
This has to be done, you know. Or the urge to do something or express something would not stop. Believe me, it's annoying to try to dismiss something that you feel. I've tried it before and it was damn hard to suppress it. It's like having a heart attack while trying to smile and act normal.
Apparently, I was really good at masking how I felt. Poker face, they say. Nevertheless, I felt like Fedor and Henderson were fighting inside me. Slowly, the urge to tell him how I felt got out and finally won. When this irrational side wins, the rational mind can only provide support and apply logic into the action or actions that may have been done or may still be done.
Just like what I'm doing now. Trying so hard to rationalize what's happening to me.
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