i'm crazy, i know. i wish somebody would bring me to a psychiatrist. this was just last night (the cutting). and the memory is still fresh. it didn't hurt really. it's actually addictive. every time i slice, somehow i forget the pain that i feel inside. every cut helps me breathe fully. every cut makes me smile. bitterly, i suppose.
they said i'm strong. they said i could make it. they said i'll be okay. do you think the same?
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Desperation
How should a person who has only P20 in her pocket feel? People around her would say, "Don't lose hope. You can find a part-time job and then keep up." Others would say, "Yeah, that sucks. Why are you in that situation? you have a job, right?" And after you explain to them what happened, they just tell you to hang on until payday comes or until help comes. Hang on? How can you hang on to P20? How can you do that when your problem is how you can eat and survive?
Of course, a person is grateful for all the advice. But she can never eat those bits of advice. Don't they realize that the person they are talking to already knows those things? Oh yes, they are sympathetic. They would go as far as telling the person that they do understand and know how difficult the situation is. But that's all there is, empty words of sympathy.
Yes, I am desperate. My mind is thinking of selling myself. That should be easy. Many women have done it. It's just a matter of conditioning the mind. If I start doing it, I would solve a lot of problems. I wouldn't think of where to find money for food and for fare. I would not hesitate to try out a new posh restaurant. I could send more money for Kishni and get to see him anytime I want. I could buy him cute clothes that I so want to see him on. I could send money to my relatives who are always asking for financial help. I could go to Boracay or Bohol where my friends and I planned to go this December. I could buy my family a new TV in place of our sick TV which needs a smack everytime. I could give Kishni a decent birthday celebration. I could do many things. But can I do it? I'm too much of a coward.
Another option is to kill myself. I just bought a shiny Gilette (is that the spelling?) blade at the store in front of the boarding house. I know it's not a solution but it can end all things. I would not think of what to eat. I would not think of how I will get money to send home. I would not think. PERIOD. It's just simple anyway. I've attempted before, just not successful. Nobody care. Nobody knocks in my room. Nobody would know until I'm already drained of blood. However, I would not beable to see Kishni anymore. But That really doesn't matter, does it? I'm already dead. I would not feel. I would not think.
Yes, this is desperation. No matter how much I cry and shout for help, nobody seems to hear. Maybe if I'd die, they'll hear my silence. But I am just a coward. Can I face death?
Of course, a person is grateful for all the advice. But she can never eat those bits of advice. Don't they realize that the person they are talking to already knows those things? Oh yes, they are sympathetic. They would go as far as telling the person that they do understand and know how difficult the situation is. But that's all there is, empty words of sympathy.
Yes, I am desperate. My mind is thinking of selling myself. That should be easy. Many women have done it. It's just a matter of conditioning the mind. If I start doing it, I would solve a lot of problems. I wouldn't think of where to find money for food and for fare. I would not hesitate to try out a new posh restaurant. I could send more money for Kishni and get to see him anytime I want. I could buy him cute clothes that I so want to see him on. I could send money to my relatives who are always asking for financial help. I could go to Boracay or Bohol where my friends and I planned to go this December. I could buy my family a new TV in place of our sick TV which needs a smack everytime. I could give Kishni a decent birthday celebration. I could do many things. But can I do it? I'm too much of a coward.
Another option is to kill myself. I just bought a shiny Gilette (is that the spelling?) blade at the store in front of the boarding house. I know it's not a solution but it can end all things. I would not think of what to eat. I would not think of how I will get money to send home. I would not think. PERIOD. It's just simple anyway. I've attempted before, just not successful. Nobody care. Nobody knocks in my room. Nobody would know until I'm already drained of blood. However, I would not beable to see Kishni anymore. But That really doesn't matter, does it? I'm already dead. I would not feel. I would not think.
Yes, this is desperation. No matter how much I cry and shout for help, nobody seems to hear. Maybe if I'd die, they'll hear my silence. But I am just a coward. Can I face death?
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Puppy Love
It was the summer of 2004. I was in Metro Manila that time, working for a call center in Makati. It was lonely for me to be in a strange big city. I couldn't go out with my friends since they didn't have the same rest day as I had. So I spent my time going to the mall and surfing the Internet and chatting.
I met "Michael" in the IRC. I don't remember which channel it was or what we had talked about. But somehow, we exchanged numbers and began sending messages to each other. I knew then that he's in Batanggas, visiting his grandmother. We planned several times to meet in a mall in Makati but he couldn't leave his granny.
The time came when I realized I was pregnant. Well, actually, I already knew I was pregnant because I didn't have my period for 3 straight months then. I had just been too scared to accept it since no one was there for me. The father of my baby was not there because we broke off before I flew to Manila. Or rather, he broke off with me because he fell for another girl.
It was a double hit for me. I was so down that I thought of taking my own life and the life of my baby. Yet Michael was there, still texting despite knowing that I was pregnant. He urged me to live my life and tell my parents about. So I did. And as expected, it was a bomb for them.
I went home feeling lost, useless and worthless. Every night beside my sisters, I cry myself to sleep. Michael was the only person who can make me smile.
A couple of days after I arrived in Cebu, he told me that he was also in Cebu. He was taking his review classes here for the board exams. He is from Iloilo so Cebu was a practical choice for his studies. He asked if he could go to our province, which was an hour away from Cebu City, so he could meet me. I never expected that he would, but I certainly hoped.
And he did. He texted me that he was already in the church where I instructed him to go. I was a bit shocked that he was able to get there since it was his first time in Cebu. So I quickly headed there. "Michael" was already 23 years old at that time but I saw a lanky young man with hair divided in the middle. He looked younger than his age. We talked a bit and decided to start walking to our house. I thought he didn't bring a bag or anything but he rushed to the candle house and got his bag, a plastic and something covered in newspaper. On the way to the house he gave me the plastic bag and the thing covered in newspaper.
"What's this?" I asked.
"Just open it," he urged.
It was an arrangement of yellow roses in a box which looked like a small coffin. That was the first time I received flowers. I was already half expecting to see flowers inside but that didn't hinder me from feeling wonderful. I don't know how else to describe what I felt. It was just wonderful.
"You're blushing," he commented.
I was indignant on saying, "No. I don't know how to blush!" But he laughed at me.
In the plastic bag were several boxes of peanut kisses so I asked if he went to Bohol. He said that he just saw them in the grocery of Gaisano South and thought that my sisters and I might like them.
I served him a plateful of pancit canton that I cooked and a plate of rice. I was surprised to see later that he downed them all. He couldn't believe that I was the one who cooked the pancit. We talked in our living room after he ate. We talked about anything under the sun.
It was already at 5PM when I advised him to go since it would be difficult to get a V-hire if he'd go much later. On our way out of the compound, we passed by my mom who was at the neighbor's yard. He went near my mom and explained that he knew about my situation and that he is there as my friend. Imagine, my anxiety at that moment. No guy was ever brave enough to approach my mom.
I ended up going with him to the town since I still wanted to be with him. We bought bread and a bottle of Coke each at a food shop near the terminal.
"Can I ask you a favor?" he asked
"Sure, what is it?" I was happy to oblige.
"Can I court you? But promise me you won't have me, you won't say yes." It was a weird request.
"Why would you still want to court me if I won't say yes? Besides, I don't want to fall for you."
"Yeah. You're right." He agreed but he looked at me as if he was telling me something through his eyes.
After our talk, he needed to go or he'd miss the van. So we said our good byes.
It's ironic that the next time that we met was only because of my pre-natal check up. My tummy wasn't that big at that time. I would have to stay in a friend's apartment the night before the check up since I had to be early in the hospital. He would be there and then we would talk. we'd sit near the door way for the apartment and he'd lay his head on my shoulders or on my lap. I felt young and vulnerable at that time. The moment was painfully sweet. I almost wished it would last forever.
I took him to the gate when he was about to go home. Then he asked, "Can I ask for something?"
"What's that?" I wondered.
"Can I kiss you?" I was a bit surprised but I know in my heart I hoped for that.
"Well, okay." I stood stiff as I was waiting for the kiss. Then he kissed my cheek and got out of the gate as quickly as he could. It took minutes to register in my mind what had happened. I was expecting a kiss on the lips but he kissed me at my cheeks! Then I laughed my heart out. It wasn't what I expected but it sure was damn sweet. That memory made me sleep that night with a smile on my face.
The last time we met, we just spent out time holding each other's hands. He was hugging me. He wanted to talk to me about what we feel. Then in the end we both decided to just accept that we can't really be. We felt that it was the end of what we had.
I cried so much that night because it hurt. I couldn't explain what hurt me, but the hurt, somehow, reached my physical body because there was a physical pain on my chest.
I had loved the father of my child. He became my everything at one point in my life. What I felt for "Michael" wasn't that intense as my love for the father. However it became my source of strength when I needed it most. It was childish but wonderful. And I know that no matter whoever comes into my life, I would never forget "Michael".
I met "Michael" in the IRC. I don't remember which channel it was or what we had talked about. But somehow, we exchanged numbers and began sending messages to each other. I knew then that he's in Batanggas, visiting his grandmother. We planned several times to meet in a mall in Makati but he couldn't leave his granny.
The time came when I realized I was pregnant. Well, actually, I already knew I was pregnant because I didn't have my period for 3 straight months then. I had just been too scared to accept it since no one was there for me. The father of my baby was not there because we broke off before I flew to Manila. Or rather, he broke off with me because he fell for another girl.
It was a double hit for me. I was so down that I thought of taking my own life and the life of my baby. Yet Michael was there, still texting despite knowing that I was pregnant. He urged me to live my life and tell my parents about. So I did. And as expected, it was a bomb for them.
I went home feeling lost, useless and worthless. Every night beside my sisters, I cry myself to sleep. Michael was the only person who can make me smile.
A couple of days after I arrived in Cebu, he told me that he was also in Cebu. He was taking his review classes here for the board exams. He is from Iloilo so Cebu was a practical choice for his studies. He asked if he could go to our province, which was an hour away from Cebu City, so he could meet me. I never expected that he would, but I certainly hoped.
And he did. He texted me that he was already in the church where I instructed him to go. I was a bit shocked that he was able to get there since it was his first time in Cebu. So I quickly headed there. "Michael" was already 23 years old at that time but I saw a lanky young man with hair divided in the middle. He looked younger than his age. We talked a bit and decided to start walking to our house. I thought he didn't bring a bag or anything but he rushed to the candle house and got his bag, a plastic and something covered in newspaper. On the way to the house he gave me the plastic bag and the thing covered in newspaper.
"What's this?" I asked.
"Just open it," he urged.
It was an arrangement of yellow roses in a box which looked like a small coffin. That was the first time I received flowers. I was already half expecting to see flowers inside but that didn't hinder me from feeling wonderful. I don't know how else to describe what I felt. It was just wonderful.
"You're blushing," he commented.
I was indignant on saying, "No. I don't know how to blush!" But he laughed at me.
In the plastic bag were several boxes of peanut kisses so I asked if he went to Bohol. He said that he just saw them in the grocery of Gaisano South and thought that my sisters and I might like them.
I served him a plateful of pancit canton that I cooked and a plate of rice. I was surprised to see later that he downed them all. He couldn't believe that I was the one who cooked the pancit. We talked in our living room after he ate. We talked about anything under the sun.
It was already at 5PM when I advised him to go since it would be difficult to get a V-hire if he'd go much later. On our way out of the compound, we passed by my mom who was at the neighbor's yard. He went near my mom and explained that he knew about my situation and that he is there as my friend. Imagine, my anxiety at that moment. No guy was ever brave enough to approach my mom.
I ended up going with him to the town since I still wanted to be with him. We bought bread and a bottle of Coke each at a food shop near the terminal.
"Can I ask you a favor?" he asked
"Sure, what is it?" I was happy to oblige.
"Can I court you? But promise me you won't have me, you won't say yes." It was a weird request.
"Why would you still want to court me if I won't say yes? Besides, I don't want to fall for you."
"Yeah. You're right." He agreed but he looked at me as if he was telling me something through his eyes.
After our talk, he needed to go or he'd miss the van. So we said our good byes.
It's ironic that the next time that we met was only because of my pre-natal check up. My tummy wasn't that big at that time. I would have to stay in a friend's apartment the night before the check up since I had to be early in the hospital. He would be there and then we would talk. we'd sit near the door way for the apartment and he'd lay his head on my shoulders or on my lap. I felt young and vulnerable at that time. The moment was painfully sweet. I almost wished it would last forever.
I took him to the gate when he was about to go home. Then he asked, "Can I ask for something?"
"What's that?" I wondered.
"Can I kiss you?" I was a bit surprised but I know in my heart I hoped for that.
"Well, okay." I stood stiff as I was waiting for the kiss. Then he kissed my cheek and got out of the gate as quickly as he could. It took minutes to register in my mind what had happened. I was expecting a kiss on the lips but he kissed me at my cheeks! Then I laughed my heart out. It wasn't what I expected but it sure was damn sweet. That memory made me sleep that night with a smile on my face.
The last time we met, we just spent out time holding each other's hands. He was hugging me. He wanted to talk to me about what we feel. Then in the end we both decided to just accept that we can't really be. We felt that it was the end of what we had.
I cried so much that night because it hurt. I couldn't explain what hurt me, but the hurt, somehow, reached my physical body because there was a physical pain on my chest.
I had loved the father of my child. He became my everything at one point in my life. What I felt for "Michael" wasn't that intense as my love for the father. However it became my source of strength when I needed it most. It was childish but wonderful. And I know that no matter whoever comes into my life, I would never forget "Michael".
Thursday, September 21, 2006
bad start
here's a letter of complaint i sent to our manager:
September 18, 2006
Ms./Mr.________
____________________
______________________
_________, Cebu City
Dear _____,
I would like to formally raise a complaint against two guards in the building. I felt harrassed with the event this morning of September 18, 2006.
This situation started last Saturday, September 16, 2006 about 10:30 in the evening. A friend and I drove to the parking lot of the building to ask permission from the guards to park in the lot of the building. I asked one guard in blue barong who was sitting near the elevator. He said in a very arrogant way that we can't park there. Then he waved his hand as if to shoo us away. I thought that he was trying to tell me that we can park at the lower lot. So I tried untangling the rope that bars the lot. Then he got angry and stood up. He told me that we can't park there. I asked the other guard in security guard uniform sweetly if we could park there. He still said no and explained that the parking lot was for the cafe's customers. Then I said that I will tell the _____ Management about it. However, it was not my intention to do that since it was a petty thing.
This morning, about 7:30, I dropped by the ATM before going the elevator. The same guards greeted me but I didn't feel like responding. The guard in the security guard uniform approached me first and he said that they wanted to talk to me about what happened last Saturday. The guard in barong, then, stepped forward. They didn't ASK to talk to me but demanded to talk to me. ("Mag-istorya sa gud 'ta kadyot." I still passed even if they blocked my way, and went in the elevator. When I was inside, the guard in barong stayed at the door of the elevator to prevent it from closing. The two guards keep telling me that they want to talk to me outside but I said no. They reiterated the rules of the building about the parking. They were also saying I was very arrogant and I act like the owner of the building. (Hilas kaayo ka ha. Mura ka'g tag-iya sa building.) The guard in barong tried to grab my arm to get me out of the elevator but I was able to put myself in the corner of that cube. I was already saying that I did not want to talk and that what they were doing is already harrassment. He tried to grab my arm again. But there were already many people passing and we were attracting to much attention so he stepped out of the way.
I understand the rules of the building and it's not a big deal for me not to be able to park here. I am concerned about how these "guards" act. They were supposed to make the building and the people of the building feel safe. But I felt offended and harrassed. I feel unsafe now in getting in and out of the building.
I am requesting for a speedy action about this. Thank you.
Sincerely,
_____________
September 18, 2006
Ms./Mr.________
____________________
______________________
_________, Cebu City
Dear _____,
I would like to formally raise a complaint against two guards in the building. I felt harrassed with the event this morning of September 18, 2006.
This situation started last Saturday, September 16, 2006 about 10:30 in the evening. A friend and I drove to the parking lot of the building to ask permission from the guards to park in the lot of the building. I asked one guard in blue barong who was sitting near the elevator. He said in a very arrogant way that we can't park there. Then he waved his hand as if to shoo us away. I thought that he was trying to tell me that we can park at the lower lot. So I tried untangling the rope that bars the lot. Then he got angry and stood up. He told me that we can't park there. I asked the other guard in security guard uniform sweetly if we could park there. He still said no and explained that the parking lot was for the cafe's customers. Then I said that I will tell the _____ Management about it. However, it was not my intention to do that since it was a petty thing.
This morning, about 7:30, I dropped by the ATM before going the elevator. The same guards greeted me but I didn't feel like responding. The guard in the security guard uniform approached me first and he said that they wanted to talk to me about what happened last Saturday. The guard in barong, then, stepped forward. They didn't ASK to talk to me but demanded to talk to me. ("Mag-istorya sa gud 'ta kadyot." I still passed even if they blocked my way, and went in the elevator. When I was inside, the guard in barong stayed at the door of the elevator to prevent it from closing. The two guards keep telling me that they want to talk to me outside but I said no. They reiterated the rules of the building about the parking. They were also saying I was very arrogant and I act like the owner of the building. (Hilas kaayo ka ha. Mura ka'g tag-iya sa building.) The guard in barong tried to grab my arm to get me out of the elevator but I was able to put myself in the corner of that cube. I was already saying that I did not want to talk and that what they were doing is already harrassment. He tried to grab my arm again. But there were already many people passing and we were attracting to much attention so he stepped out of the way.
I understand the rules of the building and it's not a big deal for me not to be able to park here. I am concerned about how these "guards" act. They were supposed to make the building and the people of the building feel safe. But I felt offended and harrassed. I feel unsafe now in getting in and out of the building.
I am requesting for a speedy action about this. Thank you.
Sincerely,
_____________
Monday, August 28, 2006
hopes and disappointments
how many times does a person have to be disappointed in order to learn not to hope or expect? well, the end point is not really for a person learn not to hope or expect, but rather to avoid getting hurt or disappointed.
why do people have to promise when they know that there is a possibility that it won't be made true? if a person makes a promise, it should be fulfilled in every possible and impossible way. they should know that disappointments can hurt.
why do people have to promise when they know that there is a possibility that it won't be made true? if a person makes a promise, it should be fulfilled in every possible and impossible way. they should know that disappointments can hurt.
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